Post #232
[Private journal entry written on Friday, September 25, 2009]
A journal entry I wrote in June was published on my blog several days ago (Lasting effects – Part 5). The entry deals with how, because of my history of promiscuity, I feel “all used up” and unclean.
My heart has been greatly touched by the comments on this posting, especially by the comments from the men. Here is an example, written by my friend David:
I firmly believe that I am by no means the only man, nor the only person, in the world who will see your journey and your continual evolution as the most important and remarkable thing about you … and I also think that there is a place further down your road to healing where you will no longer feel shame about confessing your past, because it will no longer be a confession — it will be a triumphant witness-bearing to the resilience of your spirit and your strength, to have come from that degree of painful confusion and self-harm, to the space where you will be standing when you say: “And now I am here.”
I know that I am a thinking, feeling, loving person. I am starting to believe that I am good and whole and complete at my core.
However, I still do not believe that other people value who I am and how I show up in the world. In other words, I still do not believe other people, especially men, consider me to be of value – I can’t add anything to their world, so why would they invest time and energy in a relationship with me . . . ??
The one attribute I had that men might find valuable was my sexual attractiveness and availability. But, now that those things are gone (I’m overweight, frumpy and “all used up”), I no longer have value.
I can logically see the flaw in my thinking, and I am starting to shift my beliefs, I’m starting to believe I am valuable. Yet, I still have not had any confirmation from men that I am valuable to them, in general. I still assume they would prefer to not waste time and energy on me.
The comments I have been getting from men in these last few days has gone a long way towards changing that belief. Thank you, my friends, for that . . .
Coming Out of the Trees (excerpts from my therapy journal) 
You are a wonderful person. You don’t need any confirmation from any man about who you are or about your worth. What you need is respect. No one, men or women, have a right to infer you have no value. You deserve respect and with that respect comes validation. I hope the last few months have proven that to you.
By: Ivory on January 23, 2010
at 10:38 am
Thank you, Ivory –
I’m getting there . . .
– Marie
By: Marie on January 23, 2010
at 8:15 pm
I think that people take their cues from us. If they sense we believe we have no value, that’s how they see us. If, on the other hand, we’ve learned to love and value ourselves, then they are far more likely to do so as well. I bet all of us who read your blog see the beauty and value in you. I hope that you are coming to realize it as well.
By: April_optimist on January 23, 2010
at 1:27 pm
Hi, April_optimist –
I can look at other people and easily see who respects themselves and who doesn’t. I get that other people look at me and can easily see where I am on my journey to learning to respect myself.
I suspect that my self-respect will continue growing as I continue healing — that’s been the case so far . . . I’ll get there!
– Marie
By: Marie on January 23, 2010
at 8:19 pm
Hi Marie, great to hear that things are slowly changing. Big steps, one small step at a time.
Most of us probably have people who don’t values us (I think of a couple of people at work who like to regard themselves as my boss). This is difficult – especially when due to the past or some recent stresses we feel a bit shaky – at least for me. I have found that having reliable friends helps and that gradually I have value – as do others.
Great to hear that your belief about worthlessness is beginning to change. I look forward to hearing more about this over the coming months.
By: Evan on January 23, 2010
at 2:39 pm
Hey, Evan –
Thank you for your wise words . . . I am starting to attract people who value me . . . I believe that is a reflection of the progress I’ve already made!
I’ll keep you all posted!
– Marie
By: Marie on January 23, 2010
at 8:21 pm
Hi Marie: Im sure everyone has someone they know that don’t value us, but it is our true friends that help us through, glad to hear you are making progress keep up the good work….Mary
By: Mary on January 24, 2010
at 1:58 pm
Hi, Mary –
Friends are definitely golden . . . I do have a few myself who always remind me of my goodness and value.
Thank you for your kind words!
– Marie
By: Marie on January 24, 2010
at 3:09 pm
All I can say is wow. WOW.
By: Tempy on January 24, 2010
at 2:46 pm
Hey, Tempy –
Well said!
David is a very gifted writer . . . I always learn so much from what he says — and he often imparts breath-taking wisdom (like he did here).
– Marie
By: Marie on January 24, 2010
at 3:11 pm
I’m sorry I’m using your blog to test my new user name. I realized today there is another “mary” visiting many of the same blogs I do. So, I’m trying to change my username on those blogs to a name I used to use. I sure hope this works. Thanks!
~ the other mary
By: cookie4697 on January 24, 2010
at 8:51 pm
No problem! Glad to have your input either way!
– Marie
By: Marie on January 24, 2010
at 10:14 pm