Posted by: Marie | January 20, 2010

(230) The million-dollar question

Post #230
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, September 24, 2009]

I sent Ron the blog post I wrote about our first meeting. I first sent it to his work email as a .pdf attachment and kept the body of the email pretty benign. It bounced back – which is good because, as soon as I sent it, I felt like I had put him at risk – maybe he wouldn’t have told me to send it if he knew what it contained. I mean, I had changed his name and other identifying information – someone would be hard-pressed to know it was him I was talking about . . . .

So, I put the text from the blog post onto a private webpage and emailed the link to him. That went through.

Photo by Martin Chen

And now, I find myself sitting at my computer with mixed feelings.

I’m left wondering if, once again, I am being emotionally promiscuous here. I have been told that, in dating, I need to move much slower in exposing who I am emotionally, spiritually, intellectually – and especially sexually. But, this is not a dating situation. And, we had jumped right into a very emotionally intimate conversation that first day. So, sending my blog post to him was not taking our “relationship” any further than we had already gone. But, yet, I wonder . . . . was it appropriate to send it? Was I giving out too much of myself, too early?

I wonder . . . will I ever get the hang of managing the speed at which I share myself with others? Do I want to get the hang of it? How do I know if my “nothing is too sacred to share” openness is part of the “real” me or part of the injured me? How do I know if I should embrace it as authenticity or if I should sometimes try to retard it? It is a mystery to me.

There is something else that is bugging me about all of this. If I’m truthful with myself, I have to admit that much of Ron’s behavior with me looks and feels just like the behavior I witnessed when I was “dating” married men. I don’t know if he is looking to have sex with me . . . he hasn’t done anything that indicates such a motive other than making the risqué comments during that first conversation.

Yet, he is behaving sneakily – so, his motive must be one that he wants to keep hidden.

If I’m honest with myself, his sneakiness does not bode well for the possibility of a healthy and aboveboard relationship between us. It does not bode well for the impact it would have on my ongoing healing process.

So, if I can see all these red flags, why am I willing to entertain the possibility of any kind of relationship with him – aboveboard or not . . .?? Why would I not just pass on this opportunity and wait for one that carries much healthier markers?

Ah . . . that’s the million-dollar question. I’m glad I know the answer, LOL.

The answer is . . . because, on some level, I am still desperate for any scrap of love and affection and approval and acceptance I can get from a man – no matter how small or how discolored or how abusive or how disrespectful.

Well, damn it!

I’m afraid that, if I let this opportunity pass by, I might never have another opportunity to be visible.

And that’s bullshit.

It may be a non-issue because I have a gut feeling that I won’t ever see or talk to him again. When we parted ways yesterday, it felt like he had dismissed me from his list of possible “friends”. That may be a good thing.

I think I need to let this one slip away quietly – and just thank my lucky stars myself that my determination to behave like be a respectable lady won out this time.


Responses

  1. Good.
    For.
    You!!!!

    • Thank you, David! I deserve it!

  2. I’m sorry these issues are so conflicting for you. I’m glad you came to the decision to let him slip by. The “love and affection” you speak of is not love or affection. **Disclaimer** Sorry guys… but all Randy wants is a soft warm place to ejaculate with a willing person. He doesn’t care if it’s you or someone else. I’m glad that you are choosing to remain true to your values, you deserve someone better.

    • Oh, Ivory . . . you speak with wisdom!

      It is true . . what he was offering was not love or affection. I, too, am glad that I chose to “let him slip away”.

      And, as a matter of fact, I’ve had no contact with him since then. He never responded to my email, he never followed the link to read the blog entry . . . and, I never tried to contact him. It was a relief to let it go.

      Thanks for your input!

      – Marie

  3. Do I want to get the hang of it? How do I know if my “nothing is too sacred to share” openness is part of the “real” me or part of the injured me?

    From the standpoint of an observer, having had many interactions with people — particularly women — who were similarly wounded, I would be inclined to say that it is part of the injured you … and that learning self-protective discretion will be a big healing step on your journey. There is a recklessness in unfiltered self-disclosure that is strongly reminiscent of sexual recklessness, and can have equally detrimental consequences.

    I am someone who is very honest with people to whom I am close, but I am careful to wait for evidence of trustworthiness before I give them that honesty. I don’t lie, but I also don’t say everything I *could* be saying.

    • Hey, David –

      I have, over time, come to believe the same. I guess my habit of disclosing so much so quickly is encouraged by my belief that the “surface me” is not interesting enough to keep a man interested for more than two minutes.

      I feel I have to either give up my body or give up my ENTIRE story in order to keep a man around for at least 10 or 15 minutes.

      I’m working on shifting that belief . . . can’t say I’ve been very successful yet. In time . . . I’ll get there.

      – Marie

  4. I think when healing from sexual abuse that hiddenness will be a hugely loaded issue. I think avoiding relationships you need to keep hidden could be very wise. But that is just my opinion based on observation.

    “How do I know if I should embrace it as authenticity or if I should sometimes try to retard it?”
    I have a couple of ideas: do you feel nourished afterwards. Do you feel like you are flowing from your core or that you are pushing yourself.
    Hope these can stimulate useful thoughts.

    It sounds like you are moving along the healing path. It is delightful to see.

    • Hey, Evan –

      I think avoiding relationships that require hiddenness is wise advice . . . that is something I agree with totally.

      Great questions . . . you know, now that I think about it, my openness is something that comes very easily to me. It always has. I have to really struggle to figure out what to keep private and what to share . . . because I feel no need to hide it. I only keep some things private because polite society demands it.

      That actually helps a bunch! Thank you!

      – Marie

  5. you seem to have a lot of insight. great post. just wanted to let you know i read it

    • Well, thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to do that!

  6. It amazes me how open you are about relationships!

    • In what way?

  7. Hi, Marie –

    It’s remarkable to see such an honest record of what you went through – and congratulations on the way you worked it out. You beat a powerful impulse that’s been part of you for a long time, and I know how hard that is.

    I hadn’t noticed the time lag until David’s comment on the earlier post reminded me. I was about to throw all the red flags I’ve got to warn you off this guy. So glad that wasn’t necessary!

    Again – good for you!

    John

    • Thank you, John . . .

      I’m a bit slow about seeing things for how they really are — but I’m getting better at it.

      I appreciate that you were going to throw the flags my way!

      – Marie


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