Posted by: Marie | January 7, 2010

(221) Supportive and discreet friends

Post #221
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, August 26, 2009]

I am writing this post several days after the publication of the post about how I found a photo of “X” on Facebook. By the time you (the readers of my blog) get to see this post, it will have been several months since the referenced post was published . . .

The funny thing about the time-delayed format of my blog is that I really experience each documented experience twice – once when I write about it and again when it is published a few months later. The emotions and images come up for me a second time at publication. Fortunately, I usually have less difficulty with the emotions and images the second time around since there has been time for healing in between.

The Boat by Martin Chen

When the aforementioned post went to publication, I was feeling relatively good about my memories around “X”. However, I felt this overwhelming urge to show his picture to someone – just so I could say, “See, this is what he looks like! Can you see his eyes? Look, he is a real person – a breathing, talking, walking real person – not a figment of my imagination!”

But, that seemed like something I couldn’t do – I couldn’t post his picture on my blog for fear of legal ramifications – I couldn’t indiscriminately email it a whole list of people for the fear it could get back to my mom . . .

So, I selected a few of my blogging friends – blogging friends I believed would be supportive and discreet – and asked if I could send them the link to his Facebook photo

Just as I had hoped they would, they provided great support for me – they looked, they reflected back my pain – and I was able to arrive at a place of peace around seeing X’s photo. I no longer am feeling the need to look at his photo every few hours.

So . . . for those friends . . . and, you know who you are . . . thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. You helped me move through that pain point.


Responses

  1. I knew that you post old journal entries… But I never really got it until now. I have no idea how you are able to do this… It’s quite unique.

    But I do sometimes go back into my private journal and see if there’s anything I can “pull out”. It’s a much smaller version of what you do. So, I do understand a little bit of the “experiencing it twice”.

    I think what I’m going to do is tag some of my private journal entries so that they can stand out and I will know to come back to them later… Right now, there’s so much journaling, that there’s a lot that gets lost in the noise.

    Thanks for all your ideas!!

    • Hey, Paul –

      I actually write my journal entries and put them in the blog right away — they sit in the publication queue for several months. Then, as I get closer to the publication date, I add all the photos and quotes . . .

      When I started the blog, I wanted to start telling my story at the beginning of my healing journey — but, the journey started about a year before my blog did. So, I have been trying to “catch up” ever since.

      Once I do catch up, I’ll ideally stay about a month or two ahead because I’m finding sometimes I do an incredible amount of work (and produce a lot of writing) in a short time, and then I’ll do very little for a few months. So, by being ahead a bit, I can keep a steady publication stream. If I did it realtime, you all would get a huge rush of material followed by a dry spell, LOL!

      Thanks for your comment!

      – Marie


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