Posted by: Marie | January 1, 2010

(216) Jumbo tools of sex

Post #216
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, August 20, 2009]

I keep thinking about my experience yesterday with Matt – and the part my boobs played in that experience.

I keep thinking about how these lumps of flesh affect my life in so many ways.

Whenever I think about hugging someone (like Matt), I have to first think about how the presence of my boobs will impact the other person. Will they turn him on? Will they cause impure thoughts? Do I need to hug from the side so the other person doesn’t have to be grossed out by them? They are a liability I have to manage.

Photo by Martin Chen

Even in the taking of photographs, I have to manage them so it doesn’t look like I am all boobs. The photo has to either show just my head, or my entire body – anything in between causes my boobs to dominate the photo.

I am forced to lead with these huge things – literally and figuratively. Men stare at them when I’m trying to have a serious/professional conversation. Men want to grab them, squeeze them, suck on them, frap their stuff between them – I (the person) don’t even have to be there, just my boobs. I could cut them off and mount them on a board and hang them on the wall . . . along with my pussy . . . then, men could do whatever they want with them while I remain blissfully unaware.

My boobs are simply these jumbo tools of sex that stand in the way of connection with another human being. They cause my clothes to fit weird. My bra has cut valleys into my shoulders from the weight.

I receive no pleasure or benefit from them – I have no kids, so they haven’t provided vital nutrition for anyone. I have no pleasurable sensation from them during sex . . . they are dead to sexual touch – except when pain is inflicted. I can feel the pain . . . it feeds the rape fantasy . . . the pain helps my body respond while I am absent from my body.

My entire sexuality has been rolled up and stuffed inside of these dumb boobs.

When I think about them, I flash back to my dream where my chest was sliced off . . . and it feels like my boobs of today have been sewn onto my chest of that dream . . . the raw backside of the boobs has been sewn to the raw skin of my chest. In my mind, they look like wads of flesh colored material sewn onto a cloth doll – with huge, sloppy stitches. They are not part of me. They are simply something I am required to carry around with me and shove in people’s faces.

I hate seeing these words showing up on my computer screen. When I read them, I realize how broken my sexuality is, and how disconnected I am from my gender. I hate this.


Is it really okay to write such ugly stuff, such ugly secrets? Evan says so (here and here). I pray he is right. If he isn’t right, then it is too late now . . . my dark secrets are already exploding out of me. I can’t stop them.

I have been a carrier of shameful secrets all of my life. I am finding that the keeping of secrets brings death to my soul.

Now that I have started experiencing the relief that comes with purging my secrets, even one shameful secret feels too heavy to carry.


  1. This is a very honest post. I bow to your courage to share, not just about sex, but how our bodies play into our views of self. The mammary gland which is their for nourishment of the young have been exploited and co-opted by a culture that has sadly pornified everything…thank you deeply for sharing this part of your journey.

    Love to the New Year

    • Hi, Gabi –

      Thank you for the kind and supportive words . . . it is difficult, even now, to see these words on the computer screen. So, I am grateful for the support.

      Happy New Year’s to you!

      – Marie

  2. I understand you feel that your sexuality is broken. But being able to write about it as you do, says to me that it’s not as broken as you may believe.

    • Hey, Paul –

      I keep hoping you are right . . . I just have a very hard time matching up my sexuality with feelings of honor and pleasure and goodness — it seems like such a long journey to get to that point. It is much easier to just be asexual. Still a work in progress . . .

      – Marie

  3. You are very brave, but most of all honest and forthright. Don’t be embarrassed about how you feel, but I have to say that the problem with your “boobs” is not yours. It is mostly activated via the male population. It is the guys who stare, the guys who fantasize about what to do with them. It is the guys who have pornified women’s bodies. Sadly, tho, it is the whole of society who perpetuates the belief. I think society is our worst enemy.

    Don’t be embarrassed. I really hope at some point, you find a way to heal your sexuality and can experience the sexual fun of large breasts when you are as engaged as your lover. ;)

    • Hey, Ivory –

      I still have hope that I will someday be able to heal the gaping disconnect between wholesome pleasure and sexuality. I still have hope . . .

      Thank you for the encouraging words!

      – Marie

  4. It’s very good by me that you can write about this.

    Most of us have problems with our bodies – there are whole industries devoted to this.

    To be radiant (male or female): accept every part of who you are. Most of us are not nearly there yet.

    For men there are all those viagra ads – the pay off being you will be able to satisfy your lover. (And implying that you couldn’t as you are.) The idea that you may talk to them and cherish them isn’t suggested for some reason.

    I think posts like this are one step to healing our culture’s appalling attitude to our bodies in general and our sexuality in particular. Thankyou for having the insight and courage to post it.

    • Hey, Evan –

      Thank you for your kind and encouraging words . . .

      What a concept . . . to have a lover who would talk to me and cherish me . . . something I’ve yet to experience . . . maybe, if I had that first, it would go a long way towards healing the hole in my sexuality.

      I appreciate your wise and insightful words!

      – Marie

  5. Marie, my heart just breaks for you. While I don’t necessarily have issues related to my breasts, I struggle with all kinds of horrible thoughts and strange sexual images about my vagina. It stands in the way of sex, but I have found that with acceptance, it is possible to get past it somewhat.

    Maybe this isn’t the best advice, but something I’ve kind of been learning is that when it comes to sexuality, if I accept that playing the passive victim of a rape fantasy does indeed turn me on and work for me, then perhaps its not really all that bad. Providing I’m with a partner that I love and trust (aka my husband) who understands that it works for me sexually and is careful not to cross certain lines, it can sometimes turn into a sexual experience that I walk away sans shame or guilt.

    Knowing that I’m not alone in my “abusive” fantasies and struggling with sexual body image is a relief to me. Thank you for being so honest.

    • Hey, Tamra –

      I have been following your struggle with your own sexuality on your blog — I really appreciate your honesty, as well — and, I enjoy the humor your bring to it as well.

      I appreciate your thoughts on the role that rape fantasies might play in healthy sexual relationships. It is something I’m willing to consider . . . right now, for me, the shame and guilt associated with the rape fantasies are too intense to have the fantasies as part of healthy sex. But, maybe, in time, there could be a place for such fantasies. Time will tell.

      Thank you for contributing to the discussion!

      – Marie

  6. Marie–

    This is my first time on your site, and I am so impressed by your honesty and insight. I apologize, as a man, for my gender and how it treats women. For my part, I’ve suffered major changes in my reproductive organs, which make me feel ashamed and unworthy. I still have sex, but much of the joy has drained out of it because I am so self-conscious. It’s too bad that our culture makes us fixate so much on flesh, and so little on spirit. It’s too bad men are taught that physical performance trumps emotional intimacy. As much as I want to concentrate on my heart, and how I treat my wife, and the things that really matter, I find myself worrying about what’s going on between my legs. I feel like less of a man, and by extension less of a person. It seems petty, but it’s ingrained. Thank you for opening up, and sharing your struggles with your body. Your words have given me food for thought, and I feel less alone. Blessings for the new year.

    • Hi, WillSpirit –

      Wow — I’m struggling with how to respond to your comment . . .

      Because I don’t know you, I am fearful about writing what I really want to write — I am afraid it could be taken wrongly in so many directions. But, I feel a need to say it, and I think some people might benefit from reading it; so, here it goes . . .

      [Deep breath]

      When I am in the grip of desperate masturbation and am using fantasies of me being raped, the idea of a big man sticking his really big penis in every orifice – hurting me, damaging me beyond repair – feels “good” because it provides a temporary escape from heavy anxiety and depression. Well, it feels “good” until the intense shame engulfs me two minutes after I orgasm.

      Then, in “real life”, when I meet a respectable, available man and I think about the possibility of dating him, I feel a quick thrill of hope – I feel hope that this man might possibly be able to provide a safe shelter for me – a shelter where I could feel loved and cherished and respected and safe.

      Then, a minute later, I feel a second wave of sensation – the sickening shutter as I think about the inevitable sexual contact that would be required at some point in time.

      I have not yet been able to relate feelings of wholeness and love and respect with the act of a man sticking his penis inside of me. Right now, I can only remember the selfish grunting of the pigs of my past.

      I have often wondered if I might find a healing relationship with a someone who didn’t have a fully functioning penis (a man with “major changes in his reproductive organs” or a transgendered person or a female) . . . where the only “sexual” options included holding and gentle touching and kissing . . . I have wondered if I might finally find a sense of safety in a situation like that. Since I find myself attracted to both males and females, this could be a real possibility.

      I believe the best-case scenario would be for me to learn to relate intercourse to loving, wholesome relations. Then, I could consider dating a normally functioning man . . . as well as someone who doesn’t fit neatly into that category. Right now, that best-case scenario feels like a far reach, at best.

      I guess my point here is that someone like you might be an angel in disguise for some women . . . I invite you to consider the possibility that you might, in fact, be an angel in disguise for your wife.

      Thank you for your honestly! It is a pleasure to hear from you!

      – Marie

  7. Marie,

    It sounds to me as if you need to learn how to trust a man and be involved in a loving relationship without any expectations of sex, as in NO SEX. Why do we put so much emphasis on a sex before there is a healthy relationship? Sex (making love) is supposed to an epilogue to a relationship, not a preface.

    As for your feelings of shame and guilt for having rape or pain-filled fantasies – learn how to forgive yourself.

    I do not mean to sound brutal. I am a 41-year-old child sexual abuse victim/survivor. I have been going through my whole life trying to heal.

    Thank you for being open about your sexuality and creating a spot to share.

    • Hi, JoAnn –

      You are absolutely right . . . I do need to first learn how to trust a man and be involved in a loving relationship without any expectation of sex.

      Easier said than done . . . still very much a work in progress. I believe there are many steps that I have to do first — solo — before I can bring another human being — a man — into the process. I am first learning how to shift how I think and feel about myself, as a human, as a woman, as a sexual being, as a child of God.

      I’ll get there . . . in due time.

      I really appreciate your contribution to the discussion. I am proud of you for the work you have already done — and for reaching out to help someone else along the way.

      It is good to hear from you!

      – Marie

      • Marie,

        I have to believe that what happened to me happened for a reason. To make me stronger? To make me help others? To teach me ?????

        In reviewing my history with men, I found that I hid from trying to heal by being in a relationship. When I was by myself I was lonely, but felt the strongest because I had no one else to depend on. I have learned to depend on myself. And that feels great!

        I am in a great relationship now and have an open and honest relationship with my boyfriend. He points out to me when I am acting like a victim. It pisses me off when he says that, but it is the truth and I am able to recognize my role of playing victim before it starts to show.

        I’m considering starting a blog on this topic as well. There are no outreach programs other than abuse hotlines in my area. I think sexual abuse victims or those who are having problems with sexual relationships need support without being defined as “sex addicts”.

        I would love to keep a dialogue with you!

        Take care,

        • Hey, JoAnn –

          How cool that you are finding purpose in the pain . . . I think that is really key in moving forward and upward. You are an inspiration!

          I have found the same thing with relationships . . . that I have used them as a way to be distracted from the pain. I have not dated for coming up on three years . . . it’s almost like I am having to abstain 100% from sex and dating in order to eliminate the distractions, in order to learn how to be me.

          Right now, I am lonely and isolated . . . and having a partner would help with that, assuming the relationship were healthy. I just think I have some more work to do before I will be ready for a healthy relationship — the abstinence will be worthwhile, I’m sure.

          I look forward to hearing more of your story! Thanks for sharing!

          – Marie

  8. Hi Marie — thanks for this post — I can get that it took some courage to share this and then have a dialogue about it in the comments.

    I also felt curious when you said “I have to manage how others see these things.” I wondered: do you? That sounds really heavy and like a lot of work to me. What would be the impact if you didn’t manage how others saw them — would it lead to you getting hurt?

    • Hi, Chris –

      Great point . . . the answer, of course, is a resounding “No!”

      I can see that is a huge part of my programming as a child — and something I can let go of . . .

      Thank you for calling my attention to it! Just the thought of not dealing with that feels much lighter . . .

      – Marie

  9. Abstinence is good. Being lonely and isolated is not. Have you made goals for different things you want? I read “No Opportunity Wasted” by Phil Keogan of The Amazing Race. I started making a list of things I wanted to do – visit crazy tourist spots like “Foamhenge” and the largest rubberband ball. My greatest, most adventurous goal was achieved last year – skydiving! It was awesome! Doing those things has really helped me to believe in myself, and people are impressed with my new attitude which gives me even more confidence!

    But, I do have my bad days. I just decided to sell my house that I fought so hard to get in the divorce (more on that later). Now I have to go through all of the items that had once meant so much to me. Now I’m ready to get rid of it all and cut all the ties. I have tons of craft projects that I started but could never seem to finish before I wanted to start another one. I realize I was just doing whatever necessary to fill a void in my heart. Now I have filled that void with ME and I am ready to get rid of all the junk in my house and MOVE ON!

    I have yet to explore your whole blog, but will. I look forward to getting to know you and your story!

    • Wow, JoAnn –

      It sounds like you have really made some great progress in your healing!

      I have to giggle at your question (“Have you set goals?”) . . . I am the queen of goal setting and making plans and schedules and charts and lists . . . I have lists and charts to manage the upkeep of my lists and charts . . .

      So, for me . . . I’m working towards NOT setting goals and being so performance oriented . . .

      I guess we each have our own way of handling stuff!

      – Marie

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