Posted by: Marie | December 11, 2009

(200) A possible paradigm shift

Post #200
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, July 30, 2009]

It has been three days since I recognized that it would be helpful if I gave myself permission to be really angry, and to not focus on contentment and bliss right now.

For three nights, I have repeated my new found practice of embracing the very emotions I have been desperately fighting against. For three nights, I have had very little desire for ice cream. For three nights, I have easily gone to sleep. For three nights, I have slept soundly and peacefully.

Title Unknown

Photo by Martin Chen

And during the day, I am finding myself craving protein and vegetables and fruit and whole grains – healthy stuff. I have a half-eaten pint of B&J ice cream sitting in my freezer. It has remained in a half-eaten state since I opened it four days ago. That blows my mind.

I looked at my face today – it actually looks GOOD – clear, fresh. It’s amazing what happens when my skin has a few days to heal in the absence of constant destruction.

The biggest shocker is that my ever-present need to be held by a gentle, loving man in a non-sexual embrace has faded significantly. As I have been relaxing into that blissful slumber each night, I have been playing with being present and being absent . . .

When I embrace my emotions, I can feel that I am fully present in the now, in my body, in my soul. If I allow myself to slip off into the fantasy of being held, I can literally feel myself exit my body. My soul moves out the top/back of my skull and hangs out a couple feet above my head – and my sense of touch becomes dramatically dampened. In those moments, I identify as a helpless, young victim. My energy is tiny and immature and shrinking.

Then, when I shift back into the empowered position as the “holder of my own emotion”, I shoot back into my body and fill it completely. The phrase, “I am woman, hear me roar!” keeps flying around in my mind. My head-full of unruly red hair seems in harmony with that way of being – I have to giggle a bit at the mental image.

Can you see what is happening? Can you see the paradox? In giving myself permission to embrace the anger and fear and anxiety – and in giving myself permission to not pursue bliss and contentment right now – the anger, fear and anxiety have taken a back seat.

And bliss and contentment are making an appearance for the first time in . . . well, in nearly a lifetime. Who knew?

Having said all that . . . I am a bit nervous about seeing this as a “life-changing” paradigm shift. It feels like it could be. But, I’m still holding my breath a bit. I don’t want to get too excited until some more time has past and I’ve had a chance to really test its significance.

But, I’m hopeful.

I have not yet felt ready to continue work on the “Courage to Heal” book. Moving forward on the writing exercise that comes next in the book still feels unsafe for me. I don’t yet feel emotionally stable enough to handle the process of remembering “what happened”. I fear I could be overwhelmed with the memories . . . I fear my tenuous emotional stability could evaporate . . . it could put my job at risk . . . and the safety of others at risk.

Yet, with the shift that seems to be occurring, maybe . . . maybe . . . prolonged stability is within my reach. Maybe I will be ready to remember – and lay it to rest – sometime in the near future. Maybe. I am hopeful.

Quotes 112


Responses

  1. I hope it did turn out to be a paradigm shift – at least the beginning of one. Looking forward to future installments.

    • Thanks, Evan –

      And, yes, it has continued to be a major shift in my way of being . . . a lot more calm in my day-to-day life — it’s not perfectly calm, but much more so . . .

      – Marie

  2. Yes!!! We need to be able to embrace all our emotions–including the anger. If we block any of them, we end up ultimately blocking them all.

    Anger is important. It is a statement to ourselves that WE matter, that what we feel matters, that what is wrong is wrong.

    I’m smiling that you can embrace your anger.

    • Hi, April O. –

      You made a great point (If we block any emotion, we block all)

      You made a second great point (Anger is a statement to ourselves that . . . )

      I’m so glad you shared your wisdom with us! Thank you!

      – Marie

  3. what i always find interesting is the amazing energy that comes with true anger. also, somehow i’m thinking of the old (and often/sometimes) true idea that depression is repressed anger, and that eating is often a companion to depression.

    • Hi, Isabella –

      I agree with you — I’m learning there can be positive empowerment in anger.

      And, I so agree with you that depression is repressed anger, and that eating is often a companion to depression — I think you hit it right on the head!

      Thanks for your intelligent input!

      – Marie


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