Posted by: Marie | December 10, 2009

(199) Gentle vibrations

Post #199
[Private journal entry written on Tuesday, July 28, 2009]

Yesterday, I recognized that it would be helpful if I gave myself permission to be really angry, and to not focus on contentment and bliss right now.

Last night, as bedtime approached, I decided to experiment a bit. Ever since my major meltdown this spring, it has been my habit to start soothing my anxiety in the hour or two before bedtime with sugar . . usually ice cream. During these last few weeks, I have been eating a pint of B&J ice cream almost every night.

Title Unknown

Photo by Martin Chen

Instead, last night, I lay down on my bed and relaxed into my pillows. I imagined myself as I have been . . . down in an earthen hole, clawing to get out as dirt collapses in on me, trying desperately to escape the grip of fear and anxiety . . . unable to get a full breath before another shower of dirt fills up my mouth . . .

Then, I imagined myself turning around energetically . . instead of fighting to get away from emotions, I turned and embraced them. I pulled them to me, wrapped my arms around them. I acknowledged their purpose and value. I reminded myself that feeling emotion – even ones that are traditionally considered “negative” – is healthy and necessary. I granted myself permission to feel the full vibration of each emotion throughout my entire body.

I was expecting to be overcome with emotion . . . to have wracking sobs erupt from deep in my soul . . . to lie awake way into the night, re-experiencing a lifetime of repressed pain. I dreaded what was sure to come – what I had been trying to avoid by eating pint after pint after pint of brain-freezing sugar.

That is not what happened – not at all.

First, the little voice in my head mocked my efforts: “You have nothing to feel angry about. You have had it so good in your life; you were dealt an awesome hand in this life. Quit your belly-aching.”

Ah! That would be my dad’s voice, coming from the grave. I recognize the term “belly-aching” . . . it was one of his favorites.

Sorry, Dad, you don’t get to be part of this conversation. Your opinion doesn’t count here – no disrespect intended. Now, roll over and go back to your everlasting rest – you already finished your work on this earth. Thank you, anyway.

Then, as I was able to truly embrace the emotions I had been desperately pushing away . . .

Do you know how a surge of energy moves down your body when your physical energy suddenly shifts . . . maybe you feel the thrill of an adrenaline pulse, maybe you feel the “fight or flight” sharpening of every sense and every muscle, maybe you feel the waves of passion race to your toes during that first kiss . . . you know what I mean, right?

Well, that’s what happened to me as I embraced those long-resisted emotions. I started feeling strong, pulsing waves of healing energy move from my head to my toes . . . wave after wave after wave.

And my body relaxed.

My mind quieted.

I was very aware of the texture of my cotton sheets against the skin on the tops of my feet.

My whole body was gently vibrating . . . like a vibrating chair set on a low speed with gentle heat.

I was bigger than just my head . . . my person filled every inch of my body. My psychological energy was pressed up against the inside of my skin – all over. I could feel both sides of my skin at the same time as a singular sensation. I was IN MY BODY!

And, I didn’t want to pull away from skin. I wanted my energy to fill up all of my physical being. It felt good. Very good.

And I went to sleep.

And I slept hard – a complete night’s sleep.

And I awoke fully rested.

Wow! What a blessing . . .

Quotes 111


Responses

  1. What a wonderful experience.

    • Thanks, Evan — it was indeed!

      – Marie

  2. That seems awfully brave of you to step into that experience. My T has been talking lately about the very same thing to me. But whenever I think about bringing up emotion a wall goes up. So this was great to read how you actually did that.

    • Thanks, lostinamaze –

      I guess when you consider the alternative (staying stuck in the pain), it was not that tough of a choice — not that recognizing that made it easier, LOL.

      I hope you are able to try it some time!

      – Marie


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