(170) No more compliance

Post #170
[Private journal entry written on Thursday, July 2, 2009]

I’m on vacation in Gig Harbor, Washington, at my sister’s house. It is way out in the “boonies” . . . thick trees and underbrush on all sides of the yard, no neighbors in sight. There is a nice-sized waterfall outside, just off the old-fashioned porch that is meant for a handful of antique rocking chairs. The breeze coming through the trees is sweet with the sounds of birds fluttering and deer munching. The squirrels are having some kind of quarrel over something or another.

There is no TV (well, they have one, but they can’t get anything but a weather channel and a number of religious channels over the airwaves). Internet access is suspect. I am alone with nature, family and books. It is good.

The one noisemaker we have is my sister’s new three-month-old, four-pound (1.8kg) miniature dachshund named “Charlie”. He is into everything. He hasn’t learned to bark yet, but he makes up for it by tearing around the house like a wild banshee, grabbing his toys and running with them in circles until his hind feet go faster than his front feet and he wipes out in a curious show of head –> belly –> tail –> head –> belly –> tail –> head –> belly . .

We have to be very careful to keep track of Charlie’s whereabouts . . . he is the exact same size as my tennis shoe and he moves so quickly that it is very easy to step on him – which would be bad for the stepper and very bad for the miniature step-ee. What a cutie he is . . . I’ve included a few photos of him . . . I have to share the photos since I’m such a proud auntie!

In this peaceful setting, I have had a chance to think in peace. I’ve had an epiphany . .

It dawned on me that my intuition about what steps I need to take and what direction I need to head in my healing process has always been dead-on accurate. It is okay for me to trust my intuition – I do know what is best for me. I know it better than anyone else.

If and when I partner with another therapist, that therapist will have to honor and recognize the wisdom of my intuition. He or she will have to be willing to follow what I feel is best. I want that therapist to provide options, and to reflect back to me what I might not be able to see on my own. However, when it comes to deciding what action and overall direction is best for me, it will have to be my decision.

What I have realized is that I was not the “non-compliant” party in my therapist-client relationships (and I greatly fear being labeled “non-compliant” because it is equivalent with being “bad”). In actuality, it was my therapists who were the non-compliant parties. When I was very clear with them what options I believed were best for me and for my healing journey, they ignored and overrode my instincts and decisions. They dishonored my wisdom. They distrusted my instinct.

By attempting to bow to their wisdom, experience and education even when it felt inappropriate to me, I demonstrated a similar distrust for my own wisdom. Despite knowing it was not the best choice for me, I tried to ignore the suffocating feeling I had and do what I was told to do. I should have listened to that “trapped” feeling . . . there is good reason for my feeling that way – my body was telling me that it was not a good direction for me to take.

From now on, I choose to trust and follow my instinct and innate wisdom – if my therapist has an issue with that, then that therapist is not the therapist for me.

That epiphany lifts the burden of “required compliance” off my shoulders. What a huge relief.

And, this feels like a empowered position . . . like I’m taking responsibility for the direction of my healing path rather than leaving it up to “the professionals” who don’t know me. This feels good.

[Editorial note: You can read more about my empowering epiphany — that I don’t have to be a compliant client — in my guest post at Evan’s blog (Health and Wellbeing)]