Posted by: Marie | August 20, 2009

(129) Peace out, man

Post #129
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, April 18, 2009]

Well, my anger has subsided quite a bit after giving myself permission to really let loose in my journal yesterday. As I look back at my words, they are very ugly – full of venom and hate. It’s not Dr. Barb I’m angry at, it’s myself. It is just easier to blast my hateful words all over someone else.

On the Hike by Martin Chen

On the Hike by Martin Chen

I’m pissed at my inability to maintain relationships — and my inability to even create relationships. I can only imagine the reasons my ex-new Facebook beau had for turning tail and running after our one and only 14-minute phone conversation. The day before the phone call, he emailed me to say he was looking forward to driving 125 miles (200 km) so he could take me to dinner — we just needed to pick a date. What the hell could I have said in 14 minutes to cause him to never want to talk to me again? I thought I was playing it cool — guess not. Well, fuck him, too.

I’m pissed at my inability to find my way through all of this. I’m pissed that I opened this can of worms by allowing the memories to wake up. I’m pissed that I’m lost in a very dark place and the people who are supposed to know how to help me can’t help me. I wonder if I would have been better off not remembering.

It’s been exactly a year since the images started slamming into my consciousness – they turned my world upside-down. After a year of fighting to get right-side-up again, am I better off or worse off?

I’m pissed because one of my biggest “unreasonable” fears seems to be reasonable – maybe I am way too screwed up in the head to participate normally in this world. Maybe I need to stop trying to fit in, maybe I need to stop trying to live a life worth living.

I don’t want to do this anymore. None of it, so help me God.

So, anyway, don’t worry. Real Marie has been corralled and put back in her cage – she has been locked away, buried under the haze of a major sugar binge. One pint of B&J ice cream, one pint of H/D ice cream and one pint of H/D sorbet have done the job well. When that sugar bliss dissipates, I have another four pints in waiting – and two bags of Dove chocolates. As long as numbness prevails, there is no risk of offending anyone. Peace out, man.

Quotes 039


Responses

  1. Hi Marie,

    Being in the middle of it and not knowing if there will be an end is really awful. There is also the part where you get something finished and then a new memory comes up – like our body has gone: Oh, you’ve dealth with that now? Well now there’s this!

    Maybe you are too crazy to live in this world (I think most sane people are). I here that our current way of living relies on non-renewable resources and that most people spend their lives doing work they don’t like much just to get the necessities covered. The definition of sanity is interesting I think!

    • Hey, Evan –

      Yes, not being able to see the end is awful . . especially when it seems your efforts are not effective and you don’t know what else to do.

      Your idea about the definition of sanity is very interesting . . . I would have to agree with you, LOL! I always enjoy reading your comments!

      – Marie

  2. Hi Marie,

    I understand this frustrating level you are at during these posts. But I know that they also show tremendous progress.

    You did this incredible healing work and without the type of therapist who could give you the most support and the best advice. That is amazing. You didn’t see that here and you may not be seeing that right now. I have gone through trying to make it through with the wrong therapist several times. It takes a lot of courage to leave that. So many surivvors can’t. So you have to give yourself credit for that as well.

    Look, many people would not be getting out of bed, would not be able to get to work, would not be able to believe their memories. You were doing all of that and not giving yourself credit for that as well.

    I believe in the power of your desire and your soul to heal.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • Wow, Kate –

      I was so focused on the ugliness of these posts that hadn’t thought about the extent of the healing that had taken place up to this point. Thank you for reminding me . . .

      I am finding your words to be very encouraging . . . which I need right this second . . . I’m awake and at my computer now (1am) trying to process a night terror . . . I woke up to the sensation of being raped. Just lovely. But, I think I got it processed enough to not throw up and to go back to sleep.

      Anyway, it is good to hear from you! Thank you for your kind words!

      – Marie

  3. I know this is hard. None of this is easy. I am glad that you were at least able to find some way to lighten things for yourself when talking about the ice cream. I’ve been thinking about you.

    • Hey, Paul –

      Thank you for the encouraging words . . it is so good to know people care . . .

      So, the ice cream part came across as lighter? Hmmm . . it was actually not light at all . . . I was binging to go numb so that I could tolerate staying alive . . . interesting . . .

      – Marie

  4. Listen to me Marie,
    These posts are not ugly, they are real, you are so real and amazing. I love reading these. It is tempting to crack open my 13 year old journals and start posting. I am not sure I am as brave as you are though.
    So did you ever find out what you were afraid of?
    Sending you great faith in yourself because that is what you deserve!

    • Hi, Vicki –

      Thank you so much for your continued support . . .

      What a cool idea . . I mean, the part about you posting your writing from 13 years ago . . . I bet it would be beneficial for you and for your readers . . .

      So, um . . . I’m not sure I understand your question (did you ever find out what you were afraid of?) . . . to what situation are you referring?

      – Marie

  5. This is what my therapist taught me,
    Anger is usually a front emotion for an another feeling like fear.
    That’s why I believe anger is so useful, it triggers me to look deeper, it doesn’t mean I am a bad person.
    It is what I do with my anger, not that I have anger.


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