Posted by: Marie | August 18, 2009

(128) How I really feel

Post #128
[Private journal entry written on Friday, April 17, 2009]

Hi, Self –
(Yes, I’m writing to myself again)

Well, my relationship with therapist #2 is done. Given her behavior so far, I am convinced that she would never allow me to discuss the ugly stuff with her. I do believe she would allow me to send her my homework from “The Courage to Heal” book, but I doubt she would “contaminate her mind” by reading it and I am convinced she would never allow me to bring it up in session. I believe she would continue to tell me to put on a happy face and get over myself.

On the Hike by Martin Chen

On the Hike by Martin Chen

That would be a waste of money. Why would I continue to hand over to her 10-15% of every paycheck for the “privilege” of sitting in her office, not being allowed to say what I really need to say? I don’t have to pay good money for that privilege – I can simply go spend time with my family and have that same experience – for free!

All of my life, I have only been allowed to show Pretend Marie – the well-behaved, moral, upright, pure, happy part of me. Real Marie has never been welcome in my family or in church. Dr. Barb didn’t welcome Real Marie, either — she believed that Real Marie would go away if we all ignored her and denied her existence.

I am really good at hiding Real Marie. When I’m around other people, I always put on a happy face and go about my business like it’s all okay. Sometimes I feel happy when I’m around people – sometimes I even feel happy when I’m by myself. Mostly, however, when I’m by myself, the crappy feelings return – the Real Marie reigns.

Whether I’m feeling happy or crappy, the beliefs I hold about myself always exist – and they aren’t positive, uplifting beliefs. I believe I have a good heart – which is at my core. But then, I believe my heart is encased in a grossly defective mind and personality – and they are, in turn, encased in a body that is being ravaged by my destructive behavior.

When I manage to feel good, it is only because I have distracted myself by keeping busy or staying focused on something other than how I show up in the world. However, in the quiet hours, I am inevitably reminded of what I really believe about myself, and Real Marie takes over.

Well, obviously, Dr. Barb is so lovely and desirable that she never had to put any part of herself in hiding to survive. Obviously, she has no ability to comprehend my experience. If she had a clue about my experience, she never would have uttered to me the words, “You need to work on being more proactive with avoiding situations that trigger your anger because feeling anger is detrimental to your well-being.” Obviously, she lives a charmed life. Good for her.

I think anger – expressed anger – can be good, even vital for my well-being. So, I disagree greatly with her on that point. I think anger that is repressed or expressed inappropriately is harmful. By her not allowing me to express my anger, in any form, she is not helping me. Furthermore, I have so much unexpressed anger stored up that there is no way I can simply “forget about it and leave it behind”. It doesn’t work that way. Real Marie’s identity is currently wrapped up in anger.

It does seem that the one place Real Marie should be welcome is therapy. If not there, then where? I know Real Marie is very ugly and disgusting, but keeping her buried in the dark doesn’t help anything – and, I know Real Marie is not going to just go away because Dr. Barb demands it.

I’m beginning to doubt that I will ever find a therapist who will allow me to show up as Real Marie. It is very hard for me to show up as Real Marie – Pretend Marie is used to being the boss and she takes over right from the start and puts on a good show. Real Marie has to be coaxed to come forward, like a terrified stray cat. She has to feel very, very safe before she will come out. So far, only one person has welcomed Real Marie, as she is, without insisting she change first. That person is my best friend Melodie – thank God for her.

Dr. Barb made a point of chasing away Real Marie and encouraging Pretend Marie to take over – she couldn’t allow ugliness to contaminate her office. Then, she would get on Pretend Marie’s case for being so guarded, for not being open and honest with her – she didn’t understand that “letting down the guardedness” meant bringing Real Marie to the surface.

That was never going to happen in Dr. Barb’s office – Marie’s Body was so angry that it wouldn’t let Real Marie come back to the surface – and Real Marie was too terrified to show up, anyway – so Anger and Fear ran the show. Even Pretend Marie was rendered dumb. How could Dr. Barb not see what was happening when Marie’s Body sat on the couch, slouched over and speechless? I think it is not Marie who is blind and ignorant, I think it is Dr. Barb.

So, Dr. Barb – tall, gorgeous, leggy, blond, well-educated Dr. Barb with a hunky husband and charming daughters – here’s what Real Marie has to say to you and your charmed life: Fuck you. Fuck you and the gilded, lily white horse you rode in on. I don’t need you, your so-called “help” or your approval. I’ll figure it out on my own. The good news is that Real Marie is tougher and more resourceful than you could ever imagine – and she is welcome in my world. So, fuck you.

Quotes 038


Responses

  1. Whew! Way to go, girl!

    In the beginning, Mr.S tried to suppress my alters AND any discussion of any of my returning horrible memories.

    Only a few weeks later, he told me he talked about my case to his T. He told me that his T told him that it sounded like I needed to talk. He hasn’t had me in any “programs” because I can’t get all my Colors in a row long enough to do it. No one is in agreement about my therapy. Since then, we talk a lot. He must be of strong stomach to listen to all the bad stuff.

    I hope you found someone who cares more than a flip about what you need.

    • Hey, Ivory –

      I have found some who cares more than a flip about what I need . . . you!

      Thank you for your support.

      – Marie

  2. Marie,
    Something similar happened with my T and me. He tried to show me ways to decrease and deal with my anger. He also suggested ways in which I could deal with my sleep issues. But not a single answer on how to completely get rid of the rage inside me. I guess for every person may be different answers. I am still figuring out mine.
    I hope you find yours.

    • Hi, Marisol –

      Well, maybe we can figure this out amongst all of us . . . if we keep talking and sharing . . .

      I appreciate your comment!

      – Marie

  3. Hi Marie,

    I’m sorry that this therapist was such a bad fit for you. I hope that you have or will find an experienced trauma therapist, because they will be able to see all of you and to accept you as you are while helping you to heal and grow and reach beyond the abuse and what it has done to you.

    No matter what she thinks or projects or how others see or perceive her, she is hding emotions and that will always come back to bite you in the ass. She can pretend all she wants. The truth is something else.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • Hi, Kate –

      Once again, your wise words show you know your stuff . . .

      Thank you for sharing your insight with us!

      – Marie

  4. Namaste my friend Real Marie, Nice to finally meet YOU!

    Vicki
    P. S.
    I like you and how you think very much.

    • Hey, Vicki –

      When I read your comment, the tears started streaming down my face . . and they continue as I am writing my response.

      I really struggled with whether I should post this journal entry on my blog . . . it is so ugly. And, like you said, it exposes the Real Marie for the first time. It stands in stark contrast with the previous post’s email that Pretend Marie wrote.

      It is one thing to talk about what was done to me, or to threaten to get mad and say ugly things . . . it is totally another to actually say/write the words that live inside Real Marie. I was afraid that people would tell me that I “shouldn’t” write and post such ugliness.

      But, instead, I’m finding unconditional acceptance and support. That is a very new experience for me and I am a bit breathless right now because of it. Thank you. What you wrote was one of the best things anyone could have said.

      I am the recipient of many wonderful gifts today. I am grateful.

      – Marie

  5. Aww. Thank you for making my day.
    I am so touched, right backatcha friend.

  6. Hi Marie,

    Well said.

    I actually don’t see any ugliness in what you wrote. Honesty, yes – and about some of the parts of you that you don’t like much at the moment, but no ugliness.

    About Dr Barb. This may be libellous and outrageous and unnecessarily insulting and plain wrong. With that disclaimer: in my experience “therapists” get it wrong when they mix up themselves and their client. “obviously, Dr. Barb is so lovely and desirable that she never had to put any part of herself in hiding to survive.” I think it likely that the Doc battles the same issues as you. But this is only based on what you say about her (and my understanding of similar situations) so it may be completely wrong.

    I don’t think Real Marie is defective in mind or body. My bet is that she did what she had to in order to survive. Or, if the decisions were made when young – what she believed she had to do in order to survive (and she may well have been right even if young – I have known people where this was the case).

    This comment is becoming something of an essay isn’t it? They were the big things I wanted to say.

    Looking forward to hearing more from Real Marie.

    • Hey, Evan –

      Hmmm . . . I’ll have to digest what you have written . . . you have given me a different way to look at several different things . . .

      This seems like good fodder for future posts . . . LOL.

      Thank you for your input!

      – Marie

  7. I read this a while ago and was to angry and sad to reply. I wanted to write and tell you to run not walk away from this therapist who is not helping you do what you need to do.

    I can tell you there are therapists out there who can deal, who are not afraid of the ugliness that life can show. Sadly they are rare.

    Healing trauma with out dealing with trauma seems not to work.

    On the bright side. It seems you are now more able to express what you know you need with may make it easier to find a therapist.

    For me there were just somethings I could not do alone.

    I am very resistant to therapy that is harmful and resistant to therapy that is not helpful. I work very hard in appropriate therapy.

    Michael

    • Hi, Michael –

      I am so sorry that my writing stirred up such emotion in you. However, I am so glad you came back to share your thoughts. You are saying the same thing that so many others are saying . . and what I have learned to be the truth. Thank you for the confirmation your words bring.

      – Marie

  8. When I read this the word ugly didn’t enter my mind. I just see a real human being with real human feelings. I also see strength and insight. The Real Marie is a privilege to read and has brought insight into my life.

    • Wow, lostinamaze –

      I am honored by your words. Thank you!

      I am slowing beginning to accept (and sometimes even like) Real Marie and the feelings and thoughts she has. I’ve started giving her/myself permission to feel the feelings and own them as her/my own.

      I really appreciate your continued reading and commenting. You’re almost to the current posts!

      – Marie


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