Posted by: Marie | August 2, 2009

(116) Omitting important information

Post #116
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Wednesday, April 1, 2009]

Hi, Dr. Barb –

It was helpful to me to learn that cynicism was a component of anger; and it was helpful to learn from you that the “anger test” indicated I am cynical. That makes sense to me – I had just never thought about it before. Today, I did some research on cynicism – it seems the antidote is trust and hope.

So, I’m practicing the trust and hope part – it has been my habit to believe that nothing good will come of a potential “love connection”. I am consciously choosing to think about what could come of my new Facebook beau’s interest in me – keeping my thoughts light and playful.

————————-

I keep experiencing a controlling parent / defiant daughter dynamic with you . . . I am fighting the urge to hide things from you – I’m afraid you will (force me?) into compliance if I tell you my plans to do something you may not like.

Looking by Martin Chen

Looking by Martin Chen

Here is what I’m tempted to hide from you this week (I’ll just tell you now so I don’t have an opportunity to hide it later) . . . it is related to my plans to get together with my flirty Facebook friend for the first time in 25 years.

A couple of days ago, the plan was that he would drive to my house while my sister was in town so he could spend time with both of us. At that point, he had flirted with me a little bit, but nothing significant.

I did the polite thing and invited him to stay at our house (that I share with my two housemates) so he wouldn’t have to drive 125 miles (200 km) back home after dinner – we have plenty of places to sleep so that was a reasonable offer. And my mom only has one guest room at her house, which my sister will be using – my mom wouldn’t be comfortable having a man (that we essentially don’t know) stay there with just the two women.

Well, we now know his schedule does not allow him to drive down during the 48 hours my sister will be in town, so that plan fell through. However, he subsequently asked (via email) if he could still drive down and take just me to dinner sometime – that is when he made it clear that he is romantically interested in me.

We have not yet set up plans for that, so I don’t know if he will be coming for a daytime “date” or an evening “date” – or if he would be staying in town overnight. So, I haven’t offered a place to stay under this new plan. However, I intend to offer it, if the scheduling makes sense.

I have been hesitant to tell you my plan to offer a place to stay – I’m afraid you will tell me it is not appropriate and (force?) me to not offer it. I keep forgetting that I am an adult and that I have the choice to follow or not follow your advice. I keep thinking you are going to “fire” me as a client if I don’t do what you tell me to do. So, I am tempted to lie by omission to keep that from happening.

By the way, I experienced the same thing with my former therapist (the temptation to omit important information to avoid being “controlled”) except I had the additional dynamic of being desperate for his attention/approval, which is minimal with you (because of your gender).

– Marie

Quotes 028


Responses

  1. Interesting…does or did(I haven’t read ahead) your T give you advice or tell you what to do?

    My T rarely gives advice and only if I can pull it out of her. And she never tells me what to do. She will give me suggestions or educational stuff to read within the theraputic setting to help me along. Ultimately it is my decision on how I respond which she respects.

    Do you think not wanting to be fired as a client a form of approval seeking. I wonder about this in my own life. Kinda like “I need to be good enough for you”

    • Hi, lostinamaze –

      Nope – – my T didn’t tell me what to do . . . we never talked about this because there was a bigger drama brewing between the two of us . . . the drama overshadowed any therapeutic work we could have been doing. (You’ll have to continue reading to learn about the drama, LOL!)

      You absolutely hit the nail on the head about the approval seeking. I so wanted to “get it right” with her . . . I had already fired one therapist because of conflict and I didn’t want to have another failed therapeutic relationship to add to my long list of failed romantic, platonic and employment relationships . . . especially since the therapists were the professionals and I was simply an ignorant, messed up client . . . the problem had to be with me.

      Good questions!

      – Marie


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