Posted by: Marie | July 25, 2009

(111) Anxious dreams

Post #111
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Friday, March 20, 2009]

Hi, Dr. Barb –

It’s 2am . . I just woke up from a dream. . the setting was a church (apparently I was a member of that church, although it is not a church with which I am familiar in real life). I was supposed to play the piano for a Christmas program. I had researched to find just the right arrangements of the various songs, then I practiced and practiced. However, just before the program was to start, I learned I had the wrong arrangements, even some of the wrong songs. I tried to find and learn the right ones, but I ran out of time.

Skyline Drive in Taiwan by Martin Chen

Skyline Drive in Taiwan by Martin Chen

The program started and the music director turned around, in the middle of a song, and said, “We are going to do that one song – I can’t remember the name, it starts with the word “with” – you’ll know it when you hear it, just play it.” Well, I didn’t know what song he was talking about, so I was frantically flipping through the hymnal trying to find a song that started with “with”. But, I knew that, even if I did find the song, I hadn’t practiced it so I wouldn’t be able to play it anyway. The director was getting angry about my panicking – he thought I should be able to “just do it” because “it’s not that hard, anyone can do it!”

Well, I couldn’t do it and someone else on another piano in the church took over. I stood up and walked out into an overflow room in shame. A lady in the overflow room asked me what was wrong with me – why couldn’t I “just do it”? It was so easy that anyone could do it!

I woke up feeling sad that all my hard work had, once again, resulted in failure and disappointment – something I feel a lot in real life. And, I felt humiliated for letting so many people down.

P.S. I had another similarly themed dream last night – I was driving a bus and I had to re-take my driving test – I kept backing into things and cutting the corners too closely – then, my bus turned into an airplane, which I had to drive on the highway – it was too wide for the road and I kept hitting signs and other cars – the propeller and the wings got sheared off until all that was left was the cockpit – then it turned into a fire truck and we were responding to a bad accident – but I didn’t know the address (I was supposed to be familiar with the area) and had to stop by another fire station to look at a map – I had driven about 20 miles (32 km) in the wrong direction and the wreck was all cleaned up by the time we got there. When the test was all over, I knew I had failed because it was “all my fault” – caused by my lack of preparation, knowledge and skill.

– Marie

Quotes 023


Responses

  1. I had a similar dream, but in my dream I was working in a project with other people and my ideas were pretty much “turned down” from the very begining. I felt like “why should I even care”. When the day came and none of the other people’s idea worked, my idea was the only one that really worked. The project had to be modified completely. Good thing it was only a dream!

    • Hi, Marisol –

      Did you at least get a pay raise in your dream for having good ideas? LOL

      – Marie

  2. This reminds me of one of my main issues – competence!

    • Meaning what, Evan . . .? You doubt yours? You get upset when others don’t have it?

      – Marie


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