Posted by: Marie | June 23, 2009

(93) Foggy remembering

Post #93
[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, February 4, 2009]

It’s 4:30am and I just woke up from a dream . . .

In the dream, I was at a party and I met a guy. He showed a lot of interest in my, asked me out, planned all these very romantic dates – I found out later that he had been learning about me through research (that I didn’t know about) so that he could plan dates in places from my childhood, things that interested me, etc. He did all of this without asking for sex – he was very affectionate.

He had presented himself as a blue-collar, yet-to-be successful person just to see if I would be interested in him as a person – then I found out that he owned an airline and was actually very wealthy and professionally accomplished – he was testing my true colors and I passed.


The Tea Garden by Martin Chen

I felt very safe with him – he was dependable, gentle . . . very interested in me, what made me tick, what I wanted . . . .

I woke up at 3:23am and was in that half-awake state . . . after reveling in the post-dream bliss for a while, I realized I was in contact with my subconscious and I decided to try to access some memories. It was easy to slip back into the memories of the arousal that were lingering from the dream.

I could intensely recall the emotions I felt as I was near “X” . . . his arms around me, feeling very safe and very protected – very wanted, very special. It was the same feeling I had had in my dream with this guy I met at the party. It is the feeling I have been chasing all of my life.

I remembered running my fingers through the beard of the guy in the dream – he really liked that and I liked it as well. I suddenly I realized I had done that with “X” – so that is where I learned the think that beards are sexy – I wonder if it will still be a turn-on for me in the future now that I associate it with “X”. It kind of makes me sick right now to think that is where it started – I wonder how much of this I will think about the next time I have sex . . I wonder how I can enjoy sex, knowing my first arousals came from “X” – that is where I developed many of my preferences . . .

Anyway, I still am not able to recall the anal penetration with what I assume was his penis . . . only that he put his fingers (maybe his thumb?) inside my vagina when he was masturbating me. I do now recall that he would put me down for “nap” time . . . that is when he would rape me. He would masturbate me in his office, then he would take me into a spare bedroom downstairs to rape me, then he would leave me in there to take a nap. I guess it made sense to his wife because I needed to be nearby so he could keep tabs on me while I was napping.

Anyway, that is what I remembered tonight.


  1. I hope finding these old journal entries doesn’t bring too much flooding back.

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