Posted by: Marie | June 22, 2009

(92) Lack of commitment

Post #92
[Email to the members of my accountability group sent Monday, February 2, 2009]

Hi, Ladies –

Thank you for the kind words in response . . . . I understand that stuff happens and I am not qualified to determine if your individual choices were reasonable . . . nor do you owe me a justification.

My frustration comes from the overall pattern of behavior demonstrated by the group . . . let me give you some real numbers . . . maybe that will help you understand where I am coming from.

We all set an intention to attend 90% of the time. Including the seven meetings we did have, the one meeting we didn’t have, and the potluck, we have had 9 events scheduled. If you multiply those events by the number of people who committed to attend (4-5 people), we had 40 opportunities to show up — 90% attendance would mean people showed up 36 of the 40 times.

Here is how is has actually played out:

Attended: 27 times (68%)
Made other plans and gave at least 24 hours notice: 3 (8%)
Made other plans and gave less than 24 hours notice: 5 (13%)
Got sick and gave notice prior to start of meeting: 3 (8%)
Forgot about meeting and didn’t show up: 2 (5%)

So, I was already frustrated by the apparent lack of commitment and by how easy it seems for some members to back out of their commitment. Then, when I set aside a whole evening (and spent hours preparing) for yesterday, it really hit me hard.

– Marie


Editorial note: Well, these last two posts are fine examples of how quickly I forgot everything I learned while handling my conflict with Mark – how to effectively set boundaries, how not to blast and attack, how to think in terms of gray instead of in terms of black and white . . . I got angry and reverted back to my old ways.

Here’s a concept . . . I can think “good AND bad” . . . rather than “good OR bad”.

I guess it just takes practice, LOL.

Quotes 007


  1. I failed the test. All while I was reading, I was thinking, “You go, girl!”

    I think in black and white, too. But, really, they needed some figures and truth…

    • Hey, Ivory –

      LOL . . I’ll take the “you go, girl” anyway, OK?

      I had a valid point . . . the figures and truth were valuable tools — or, they would have been if I hadn’t used them to beat the ladies over the head, LOL. So, good intention, not so good presentation . . .

      – Marie

  2. This is a lost element for me. No matter how I learn and practice, I cannot be anything but blunt; I end up going thru the juggler to get to the point!

    I don’t mean to be that way, I just can’t seem to get other ways down. I thot what you did was fine, so, I’m not a good one to be giving my opinion!

    • Well, Ivory, there is a lot to be said in favor of the truth-tellers of the world! I’ll take truth over tact anyday!

      – Marie

  3. Hi Marie,

    I thought this was a reasoned and rational response to the group and what happened, that was, after all, based on accountability. This letter struck me as respectful while being truthful.

    I do understand what you are saying about the other letter, you were angry, it might have been bossy. However I don’t think that it was manipulative. These people have already and obviously made their choices not to be heavily influenced by social control, which seems again like the whole point of the group. Kind of frustrating for you.

    Anyways I thought you did a good job in the second letter. and really the first one wasn’t so very bad either. Sometimes others need to be shown a little black and white.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


    • Hi, Kate –

      I appreciate your encouraging feedback!

      I guess I did do some things well in this exchange . . . it was an opportunity to practice and get better!

      – Marie

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