Posted by: Marie | May 28, 2009

(79) So much drama – Part 1 of 2

Post #79
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Sunday, October 26, 2008]

Hi, Mark –

I feel like I exist in a small, floating space-car pod, circling around the space station . . . through the many windows of my pod, I can see other pods connected to the space station . . . in fellowship with the main community. I can see all the bright lights, the happy people, the warm hugs . . .

Ali Mountain by Martin Chen

Ali Mountain by Martin Chen

Those other pods connect with the space station by launching their long transportation tubes and locking into one of the space station’s portal windows.  However, I, in my free-floating pod, am not able to successfully deploy my transportation tube.  So, I float in orbit around the space station . . . isolated.

It’s not that I haven’t tried to deploy my transportation tube . . . I have, many times.  I have studied the instruction manual, I have engaged in hours of telephone conferences with technical support, I have tried locking into many different portal windows . . . I keep hoping I will discover the problem so I can implement a fix.  However, I am coming to the conclusion that the problem is so integrated into the infrastructure of my pod that it is permanent.  The best I can hope for is a reasonable workaround – I only hope the workaround can provide at least a minimal level of fellowship with the community.

At this point, however, I’m really tired and frustrated with trying.  It is way too painful to look out my windows and see what I will likely never experience.  Today, I would rather just shut the window blinds and focus on finding some level of joy in the projects I have going inside my pod.


I have been making a conscious effort lately to shut off the dramatic emotions so that I can focus on things like earning a living . . . the drama has been taking so much time and energy that my survival-level responsibilities are suffering.

But, in the night, my emotions insist upon making an appearance via my dreams – and I wake up in the middle of the night with the drama swirling around in my head – I can’t really get away from it.  So, here I am, trying to move the drama from my head onto paper so I can find my way back to sleep again before the sun decides to shine . . .

I am thinking about my attempts to rejoin a church family in the last few months . . . the people are warm and welcoming, it feels like a place in which I could really feel “at home”, the music touches my soul . . . when I go there, I experience joy.

At the same time, I experience vivid recall of the days before “X” when my church family was truly my extended family – I moved freely among all the families like they were aunts and uncles and cousins.  I remember being so connected to God that He was in and around me – I didn’t have to reach out to Him because he was already inside every cell of my body.  I remember feeling the worship music so deeply in my soul that it echoed in every fiber of my being – my spirit literally danced in synchronization with the ebb and flow of the melodies.  So now, whenever I attend church, I remember . . . and I grieve profoundly for what used to exist when I was still innocent.

So, during these last few months, whenever I went to church to attend service or to attend the Foundations class, I cried . . . sobbed . . . for much of the time . . . the ache was overwhelming.  I am grateful to the pastor for helping me create my “safe spot” in the sound booth . . . but, even then, it was far too painful to go there.  The final straw came when I couldn’t do the class homework assignment for which we were supposed to write from a place of connectedness with God . . . my “transportation tube” failed me once again and I couldn’t do the homework.

If I don’t go to church, I don’t have to be so vividly and intensely reminded of what I lost.

Then, there is the idea of dating . . . I really want to be in a loving relationship with an amazing partner.  But the hurdles over which I would have to leap to make that a possibility seem unconquerable.  Let’s start with the most basic hurdle . . . dating requires sex and I don’t want to have sex . . . I don’t enjoy it very much and I don’t want to be sexual.

I’m not overly attracted to men . . . the only physical contact I desire from a man is to be held tightly so I could feel safe for a while.  But, in order to be in a relationship where that might happen, I would have to also have sex with that man – the price I would have to pay for being held is sex.  I don’t want to be held by someone who also wants sex because that makes him “unsafe” – I want to be held by someone who isn’t disgusted by touching me, but who also doesn’t want to have sex with me.

But, that is not how the world operates.  In the real world, men are either disgusted by my body or they want to have sex with me, either which makes then “unsafe”.  The only “safe” men are heterosexual men who are otherwise committed . . . and, in the real world, it is totally inappropriate for me to be held tightly for more than a few seconds by a “safe” man.  So, my one realistic option is to connect emotionally with the imaginary men I craft from pillows in my bed.

I believe the desire to be held by a “safe” person comes from my need to “complete” my relationship with my dad – I think I only want to be held so I can fill that void . . . but I don’t think it would fill the void because it wouldn’t really be my dad, it would just be some man . . . it feels like it really needs to be my dad, but that is impossible.

So, if the one thing I want from a relationship with a man won’t fill the void I want it to fill, what is the purpose of dating a man?  Furthermore, what happens if/when I’m able to complete and heal my relationship with my dad . . . will I still be attracted to men?  What if the little attraction I have comes only from my need to complete my relationship with my dad?  When that need goes away, will the attraction go away also?

What about dating women . . . ?  The physical attraction I feel for women is less about sex and more about feeling connected on an emotional level and a physical level simultaneously – I would just as soon hold hands as to get naked.  Does my attraction to women come as a knee-jerk reaction to my disgusting experiences with men?  What if, after I am all “healed” and “fixed”, I discover I am attracted only to men and not to women?  Am I really attracted to women or is it a case of “well, it’s better than nothing”?

It seems these basic questions should be answered before I attempt dating.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]


  1. Marie,
    We are all in car pods doing our best at bumper cars. Really. That’s all every one is doing.

    Okay, I had to go back and read about you, you are not much younger than me… well, you quite a few years younger than me. Anyway, dating only means mating (or, er, having sex), if you’re asking the guy.

    I think if you are the driver of your bumper car you make the rules and bump only whom you choose. If a guy pushes you for more, then dump him (don’t bump him).

    Have you found a cuddler yet? Does he have an older brother? }:-)

    • Hey, Ivory . . nope, no cuddlers yet . . . but if/when I do, I’ll make sure he has an older brother and send him your way . . . LOL
      – Marie

  2. I hear you. I’m in the process of pondering what I want and if it’s possible to have it without what I don’t want. Most of my life has been about such tradeoffs–I want this which means it comes attached to that which I don’t want.

    Everyone is to some degree isolated. Some of us more so than others but very few truly feel connected. That’s been my observation anyway.

    I’ve decided to stop thinking about shoulds and ask myself instead what’s right for ME? What would make ME happy? Not anyone else, just me? And IF IT WERE POSSIBLE, what would it look like?

    What would it look like if I had someone I loved and who loved me and I wanted sex? What would it feel like? How would he act? How would I?

    • Hey, April Optimist –

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts . . . it is interesting that I’m going through the same exercise . . . asking myself what exactly would make me (allow me to be?) happy . . . I think some of that has to do with circumstances (having a job I enjoy, being in healthy relationships, etc.) and some of it has to do with just choosing to be happy — which may require dealing with some crap first.

      Anyway, thanks for reading!
      – Marie

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