Posted by: Marie | May 23, 2009

(76) Shame loses its grip

Post #76
[Editorial note about September 2008]

A couple of days before my Aug 25th therapy session, I got laid off of my job.  Therapy took a backseat for a couple of months while I scrambled to find another job . . . alas, the long gaps in my journaling . . . and a significant contributor to my emotional downward spiral . . .

However, on the positive side, I started feeling like I could talk some about the details of my story to people other than Mark, starting with my best friend, Melodie.  In early September, I spent several days with her on vacation and was able to tell her many of the details.  With that conversation, I started feeling the shame of my history lose its grip on me.


Responses

  1. Aannndddd?…

    • LOL . . hang in there . . .

      Okay, I’ll give you a hint . . after the “script” showdown, we were able to shift the focus away from the conflict and back to my “stuff” . . . at least for a while . . .

  2. Thanks for the tidbit! (it will get me thru the rest of the weekend – I will actually jump chapters in a book to get past places that make me crazy with questions!)

    Why didn’t you try to find a different T? Well, I sort of know this one – it’s just too hard to leave one and move to another. I think that’s why Mr.S and I have worked so much on our “relationship” – trust, boundaries, etc. – he knows what it would do to me.

    I’ve wondered if I should put my journals on my blog – there are 17 of them. It would take forever to get them all out there, but, before I started blogging, I wrote a book and don’t want to put anything out here that would jeopardize getting it published, as I used my journaling to write it.

    Have a good weekend.
    Ivory

    • Hey, Ivory –

      Good question (“why didn’t you try to find a different T?”)

      I have a very long history of beginning relationships (employment, friendship, dating, etc.) and then bailing when the going gets rough. I have yet to determine if it is because I choose sucky people or because I show up poorly in relationships (or resolve conflict poorly?) I really want to know the answer. I figured that, if there was one person in the world who could help me answer that question, it would be a therapist with whom I had had a good relationship but with whom I was currently having a conflict. So, that is why I stuck it out.

      Plus, I liked him as a therapist and person, religion conflict aside — and we live in a small town so I see him all the time around town. And, we had a relationship already established — I didn’t want to throw that away and start with a new therapist.

      So, here’s a dumb question . . how would blogging jeopardize the publication of your book? (Because the material would already be “out there” and no one would want to publish stuff that was already distributed????)

      – Marie

  3. Beginning of progress…. blessings dear one.

    • Yes . . . releasing shame and being able to start talking about what happened was major . . .

      Thanks for stopping by!
      – Marie

  4. Yes, I’m afraid if I publish anything remotely similar to what I blog, I’m afraid it won’t be published.

    My daughter is writing a chapter (not in yet) and my T is writing at the end of each chapter and that isn’t all in yet, but I am going to begin submitting to publishers soon, if I can screw up the courage.

    I kept journals from nearly day 1 of my therapy. There are quite a few and one day, early in my therapy, T said I should write a book. So I did, using the journals as sort of an outline.

    I understand about the “small town” thing. I see my T around, too. I just tell everyone he is my editor/consultant, if they realize we know each other, because he is both those things, except they think I write books about psychology. It is sometimes uncomfortable, tho.

    Ivory


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