Posted by: Marie | April 14, 2009

(45) Stuck in an angry place

Post #45
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Sunday, June 29, 2008]

Hi, Mark

So, in general, it seems I am stuck in an angry place this week.  I get distracted by the day-to-day stuff (like work), but as soon as I am quiet, I go right back to where I was when we ended our last session – short-tempered and aggressive.

I am most angry at how hopeless I feel about dating.  Until I emphatically explained how I felt to you in our last session, I didn’t realize the extent of my hopelessness.  Now that I am aware of it, I am really pissed about it.

–––––––––––––––––––––

In our last session, I was very aware of how physically frozen I feel.  I can use my head, forearms and hands to express how I feel, but no other part of my body.  My feet are frozen to the floor and my butt is frozen to the seat.

If I were to allow myself to use the rest of my body – for example, my stronger muscles like my leg, upper arm and core muscles – I would become violent and destructive.  I cannot trust myself to maintain control once I engage those muscles.  So, instead, I sit frozen.

That is why I need an environment where my surroundings and I can be protected from the effects of my violence.

– Marie


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