Posted by: Marie | April 13, 2009

(44) Lashing out in anger

Post #44
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Thursday, June 26, 2008]

Hi, Mark –

I need to brainstorm with you a bit . . .

After observing myself during our last session and in the days since, here is what I have noticed:

1) When I get angry, I am driven to lash out physically – with my whole body and with the specific intent to completely destroy something.

2) I don’t feel I have the freedom to lash out physically in your office – I just cannot bring myself to destroy your property, even if you say it is okay.  I need to be in an environment where I can really turn loose.  In your office, I don’t know what action I could take that would satisfy that heavy-duty desire – beating a pillow just doesn’t have enough “whack” to it – I need to do something on the level of throwing furniture.

3) When I don’t have the freedom to lash out, I feel my only other choice is to push the anger back down and regain “control” – that means I don’t experience the release I need in order to get to whatever is underneath the anger.  That is what happened in our last session – on a scale of 0-10, I needed to experience a “level 8-10” release, but I only experienced a “level 1-2” release.  I stayed really pissed off for about 36 hours afterwards – too pissed to sleep and almost too pissed to function.  (I’m doing better today, especially after going to the gym.

So . . . . for our next session, I would like to create an environment where I am free to be physically violent.  I like your idea of taking a big hammer to a few bricks – I think that would satisfy my urge to destroy.  I can work on gathering the equipment like bricks, tarp, gloves, safety goggles, etc., but I don’t have a big hammer.  I probably need something heavier – I think a regular claw hammer would only survive a few whacks – I’ll see if my housemate has one.

What are your thoughts?  Is this do-able?

– Marie


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