Posted by: Marie | March 18, 2009

(33) I was totally unprepared

Post #33
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Sunday, April 27, 2008]

Hi, Mark –

At some point during the last 2-3 years of being in survival mode (not knowing where I was going to live and how I was going to buy food), the stress finally caught up with me and I shut down – I stopped doing anything, going anywhere – I was afraid to do anything that might cause waves financially.  I went numb and became robotic.

Even though I have had steady income for the last eight months, I have been afraid to come out of hibernation.  So, through our work together, I have started coming out into the world again, and I have started feeling again.  So, Tuesday night, I experienced my “dark cloud” feeling again for the first time in several years – I was totally unprepared for it and I didn’t handle it well.

I am in a different place tonight than I was when I wrote the previous text – I recognize that I need to take steps to keep myself safe while I’m processing all this new stuff – we can talk about that, but I suspect it will involve staying out of bars for a while, at a minimum – and I’m now willing to take those steps.

– Marie


  1. Marie, thanks for sharing your journey with us. You’ve said you’re in a different place now, nearly 12 months on. I’m looking forward to reading the rest to see how you got there! :)

    • Hi, Kerro –

      Thank you for your kind words! It has been a cathartic experience for me to share it . . .

      I still am working through things, but making more and more progress all the time . . it is my intention to continue documenting my journey, even the parts that are being created presently.

      Thanks again!
      – Marie

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