Posted by: Marie | March 13, 2009

(30) I hate my dependence upon you

Post #30
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Tuesday, April 22, 2008 – 10pm]

Hi, Mark –

Writing this is way out of my comfort zone – I don’t have the capability right now of filtering or watching out for your feelings or to worry if I’m crossing boundaries.  I am so sorry if I do something wrong or if I hurt your feelings.  I trust you can handle it now and will handle it with me later.  Everything in me says it is not okay to bother you, but I don’t think I can handle not reaching out and you are the only person who has a clue what to do with me.  I hate that I am this dependent upon you.  It doesn’t feel okay.

I’m having a major melt down tonight.  I have tried to just handle it, but I’m not doing such a good job of that.  I’m doing better after I talked to you on the phone, hearing you say that I don’t have to stop meeting with you until I’m ready.  I’m terrified that you’ll make me go away before I’m ready to deal with all this on my own.  I’m terrified that you’ll think I’m too attached to you, too dependent upon you and you’ll make me go away.  I am sorry that I need you so much – it’s just that I am feeling real hope for the first time in years and years and it is because you are walking me through the really dark stuff that I couldn’t get through myself.  I’m afraid that, if you go away, my hope goes with you.

I have never been “seen” by a man like I’m being seen like you.  I have tried to hide it from you – how much it means to me – because I don’t want you to take that away from me right now.  I’m afraid that, if you really knew how much I need that, you would say it’s not healthy and take it away from me, “for my own good”.  I’ve never opened up to someone like I have with you, not even close.  I feel like our relationship gives me a glimpse of what it might be like to share at that level with a man – if you aren’t running away screaming, maybe there is hope that some other man might actually stick around if I shared everything.

Towards the end of our session today, I tried really hard to act like I was okay, but I was in a panic mode.  I didn’t (still don’t) think it was appropriate for me to be feeling that panicked, so I pretended I was okay.  I just wanted to get away from there so I could go process it somewhere else.  I hate that I am feeling this badly over something like this.  Everything in me says I should be stronger than this, that I should just shake it off, not let it affect me.  I shouldn’t be admitting that I actually need someone’s help – at least, that is the internal dialogue I’m hearing.  I’m sorry if I’m out of bounds, I’m just very scared tonight, so scared that I don’t know what else to do.

Um, I guess that’s all.  Thank you for taking my phone call tonight . . . .

– Marie

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