Posted by: Marie | March 12, 2009

(29) Another piece of the puzzle

Post #29
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Monday, April 21, 2008]

Hi, Mark –

It’s 2am and I need to write to get things out of my head and onto paper . .

I think I mentioned in our last session that I haven’t masturbated in a few weeks because I have been uncomfortable with the “stuff” I was processing.  I made note of your assignment this week to create and write down healthy fantasies to replace my rape fantasies – great idea, I intend to do that, I just haven’t been comfortable “going there” yet.

When I was finalizing my notes for you this week, I noticed that I became aroused a little bit – while I didn’t “run with it” and masturbate, I was pleased that maybe I was naturally moving back into that space – I didn’t know what had triggered it (maybe the warm spring air coming in the window?), but I didn’t think much about it.

Then, while I was out on my motorcycle, I allowed my mind to wander back to my Sunday afternoons with “X”.  I remember sitting in the back seat of their big car as we drove to their house – I remember the “floating” feeling that is common with luxury cars, I remember the cream-colored leather seats – running my fingers over the seams, my elbow bumping into the paper Safeway sack on my left.  I remember running my fingers over the silver buttons for the power locks and power windows on my right.  I remember not being able to see out the windows.  I remember feeling isolated because they weren’t talking to me, they were only talking to each other.

All the sudden I realized that I was aroused again, quite suddenly – that is when I made the connection that both times I had become aroused is when I was reflecting on my memories about “X” – even though the memories I do recall are very benign, they are arousing me.  And, just now, I woke up in an aroused state, thinking about walking around their living room.  It is really freaking me out – it is grossing me out.

I am trying to think of this in a positive light – this is another piece of the puzzle and it may be useful to me.  I’m just having trouble handling it.  Anyway, that’s it.

– Marie

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