Posted by: Marie | March 11, 2009

(28) The entire collection of evidence

Post #28
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Sunday, April 20, 2008]

Hi, Mark –

In processing the content of our last session, I am cycling between three conversations with myself . .

1) What a relief to finally identify the source of my destructive behavior!  Now that I know the truth – now that I know I was a victim of sexual abuse, I can heal and move forward!  It wasn’t my fault!  I’m not damaged!  I’m normal – I simply reacted normally to a very bad reality!  How freeing!

2) It is really far-fetched to think that someone actually did something that awful to me.  I’m just being melodramatic – nothing like that really happened.  I’m not a victim – I brought this on myself.  Obviously, I read some book or watched some movie during the time I first learned about sex, which then linked rape to arousal for me.  I did it to myself because I have a dark side.

3) I have to consider the entire collection of evidence – something significant happened.  I would not have developed the way I did without some unhealthy external influences.  I was a victim of a predator or I was a victim of circumstance – either way, I simply reacted normally to my experiences.  Either way, it was not my fault.  Either way, I did not bring it upon myself.  Either way, I am normal.  Either way, the healing process is the same.

– Marie

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