Posted by: Marie | March 9, 2009

(26) The flashbacks begin

Post #26
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Wednesday, April 16, 2008]

Hi, Mark –

I’ve have given myself permission to remember memories related to being molested as a kid, if that is what really happened.  However, I am being very careful to not “dig” for them.  I am experiencing some fleeting images/sensations/emotions that seem to be related.  I’m not drawing any conclusions about meanings, accuracy or completeness, I’m just recording what is coming up for me.  The images have stayed with me and there is very intense emotion attached to them.

During the night (last night), I woke up at 2:30am with the following “movie” playing in my head – I was awake, but still groggy and the images were rather vague and fleeting.

At first, I was outside of my body (about 5 feet – 1.5 meters – away, just above and to the right of my head) looking down at myself as I was lying down, kind of suspended in nothingness – the image was very fuzzy (almost cartoon-ish), but I could see I was wearing a brownish dress – I couldn’t see my arms or head, just the dress and my legs/feet.

Then, my perspective shifted back into my body so that I was looking through my physical eyeballs.  It felt like I was standing up (instead of lying down).  My eyes were mostly closed, but I opened them a crack a looked down at the bottom edge of my dress that was near my right knee – the dress was not brown, it was more of a red or maroon color and it was made of velour.

I was wearing white socks with black, shiny patent leather shoes.   There was white lacey trim on something (socks? bottom of dress? both?)  I was looking at only my right foot because “he” was behind me, on my left side and I was trying to look in the total opposite direction.  I was singing (in my head? humming out loud?) the song “Jesus Loves Me”.

It felt like a special occasion (Sunday church? Holiday?) because I was dressed up, and I seem to be about four years old.  It felt like a repeat experience of something that started maybe a year earlier.

For most of my life, I have been feeling like I moved out of my body and am living only in my head – that I am only a floating head.  Reflecting back on the first part of the “movie”, it feels like the cartoon-ish part is a mental representation (like the geometrical pictures I create now as a way to organize my thoughts/feelings) of when I abandoned my body.  It feels like the cartoon-ish part is not a “real” memory.

When I “sit” with that image, it feels like I discarded my body and left it “there” – like the reason I can’t see my head and arms in the cartoon-ish part of the movie is because I took those with me.

– Marie


Responses

  1. Hi Marie,

    Out of body feelings are very common for survivors. I understand how easy it is to leave your body when abused and how hard and challenging it is to live in your body afterwards.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate


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