Posted by: Marie | March 8, 2009

(25) Yes, something significant happened

Post #25
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Tuesday, April 15, 2008]

Hi, Mark –

In my last journal entry (April 13), I almost included the following sentence – I put it in, took it out, put it in, took it out, then left it out because I was not ready to grant it possibility:

It almost feels like I have been masturbating to a memory rather than to a fantasy – but that is a monstrously huge and sickeningly unthinkable leap to make – one I am nowhere near ready to even consider as valid.

So, I had already made that connection – when you voiced the possibility in our session today that “something significant happened”, it gave my thoughts validity and I was then able to really consider the possibility.

When I got home from therapy, I held a private ceremony where I wrote: “April 15, 2008: Whatever happened is no longer part of me” on a piece of paper and then burned the paper.  I imagined all the weight of that burden floated away in the smoke.  I also marked the date in my date book as my “Day of Power” – the day I can celebrate each year in remembrance of the day I separated myself from my history and took back my own personal power.

As I walked back into my bedroom, I thought about the hundreds of pages of violent rape stories I had stored on my computer – over the last 5-6 years, I spent hours and hours collecting them from off the internet, and then hours and hours reading them as I masturbated.  I had invested so much time and energy to creating that library that I protected it as ferociously as I protected my business files.  I suddenly realized that the stories no longer held value for me.  With little consideration, I walked over to my computer and deleted the files, and deleted them from my recycle bin.  They are gone.

– Marie


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