Posted by: Marie | March 6, 2009

(24) Dark side vs. light side

Post #24
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Sunday, April 13, 2008]

Hi, Mark –

Reflecting back to last week’s session . . .

Thank you so much for acknowledging my intuition.  I now feel I can speak freely with you about my intuition, paranormal experiences and spiritual beliefs/experiences, and that is huge for me.  I agree that we don’t have to believe the same for our work together to be effective.  I also appreciate the fact that you are willing to look at your own way of showing up in our sessions – that speaks to your quality as a person and as a professional – thank you . . . and, I am astounded that you actually read my spiritual journey “book” TWICE in only 36 hours!  Wow!  I appreciate the extra effort!

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FYI – when I wear sweats and slip-on shoes (and when I brought my pillows the one time), it is because I am anticipating a session in which I might feel like curling up into the fetal position – I feel constrained by my dress clothes – being prepared for whatever might happen means I have one less thing to fret about (I’m looking for ways to lessen my anxiety).

I am beginning to understand that I have made it a habit to keep a lot of secrets, especially about the stuff I worry about the most (because I don’t want to be melodramatic).  It is really nice to be able to express all of it, as much as I want to, without worrying that it will cause the listener (you) to leave me.  I feel like I have a safety valve for the first time.  Thank you!

In my dreams last week, I was fit and trim and in great shape – I could run long distances easily.  In my dreams this week, I’m finding myself in romantic relationships where I am really “seen” and honored.  I enjoy those kinds of dreams!

I’m beginning to suspect that I’m more of a girly-girl than I previously thought – in my 20’s, I got dolled up in order to get sexual attention.  In my 30’s, I abandoned my femininity and embraced the frumpy look.  Now, when I get the urge to show my feminine side, it is because I am feeling feminine.

I keep seeing more and more examples show up in my life where I am bucking the system and/or fighting to break free from constraints – this seems to show up in all areas of my life.  I wonder if I am just that “free spirited” or if there is something else going on.

Why is everything in our sessions related to sex?  (I mean, why do I keep bringing the conversation back to that?  I feel like I’m abnormally preoccupied with it.)

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I left our last session feeling high-spirited and playful – my mood has gotten a bit more serious during the week because I have been examining my “dark” side – I’m feeling a lot of shame about it.  This is the stuff I can’t share with people because they would surely judge me and stop loving me (or never start loving me).

The contrast between my dark side and my light side feels like the possible source of my dichotomy – all the uplifting possibilities I hold, all the love I have for people and all my abilities come from my “good” side, while my shame of my “dark” side causes me to feel unlovable and not worthy of quality relationships.  It almost feels like I am two people.

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In our last session, you mentioned that it would be good for me to find some motivation for implementing good habits – I actually don’t lack motivation – the problem is that, when I make progress and see results, I am overwhelmed with fear of what comes with being attractive.  If we can lift that paralyzing fear, I believe I will take off and really do well – I’m itching to move forward.

When I look at what comes with being attractive, I see two scary issues:  1) I am afraid that I don’t know how to set boundaries with mentor- or supervisory-type people so that I can enjoy the benefits of the relationship without having unwanted sexual attention forced upon me (translation: being raped and killed by people like Jesse);  2) I am afraid I will continue the pattern of “selling out” myself in romantic relationships – in other words, having sex when I don’t enjoy it in hopes of having my emotional needs met in exchange (which they historically have not been met regardless of whether I have the obligatory sex or not).

I am not afraid of the unwanted attention I might receive from strangers because I feel I can handle that – I can find ways to avoid or deflect it, and I can fight and I can shoot them with my gun – I don’t care if I hurt their feelings.

– Marie


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