Posted by: Marie | February 8, 2009

(12) God might be disappointed

Post #12
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Monday, March 31, 2008]

Hi, Mark –

I spent a good part of the weekend figuring out how to implement just a little bit of structure to see if I can have a little structure without getting triggered too much – or to learn how to handle being triggered . . .

Well, I got all triggered just thinking about, and I am definitely triggered now that I’m into my first day of it . . . I got all emotional and weepy in during the weekend, didn’t sleep much the last three nights, then when I finally did, I had nightmares about faceless men coming into my room to molest me; and now I’m back to crying at work today.  So, I guess I’m not doing so well.

–––––––––––––––––––––

I have been taking note of what is coming up for me when I start to see results (like my face is starting to clear up this week) and there seems to be three main themes:

1) (biggest one, it causes a sense of terror) there will be another Jesse and I won’t be as lucky this time; therefore, it is not safe to be attractive

2) I will only be seen for my physical attributes and all the other aspects of me will no longer be seen and valued by other people

3) I will present myself to the world as “the new and improved Marie” but then fall back into my habits and disappoint people (replay of what happened in my marriage)

–––––––––––––––––––––

In your Monday e-mail, I read something along the lines of, “it is okay if we have sessions that don’t result in obvious progress – always pushing for obvious progress/results could indicate a way of thinking that would benefit from being examined.”  (My translation)

Well, Mr. Mark, that just stuck in my craw.  Next, you’ll be asking me to go a whole week in between sessions without doing anything to advance my therapy’s progress, just to see if I can!  (In case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic with the second part . . . nevertheless, don’t be getting any ideas!!  LOL!)

So, I played around with that idea today – the thought of a whole week without progress, even the thought of a session without obvious results – what about that freaks me out?????  What would happen if something like that did occur?  Would the world end?

Well, I guess that would be okay as long as it was an isolated event – it would become a “real” problem if it continued to happen.  So, I played around with that possibility – what about the idea of no progress for an extended time freaks me out?????

Well, I guess no progress for many weeks might lead to no progress for many months, then many years, then a lifetime – that means my many talents and all my gifts would be wasted – that my life would be wasted – God would be disappointed.  So, I played around with that possibility . . .

Is my life only valuable if I get a lot accomplished?  Is there value in my “just being”?  Hmmmm . . . I seem to remember a conversation or two you and I have had along those lines . . .

I guess I’m starting to connect a few more dots . . .

– Marie


Responses

  1. I too like to see progress from a session and for it to be obvious. It is important to see forward momentum in healing from such an expensive and grueling task.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    • Wow, Kate, you have been very busy reading and commenting! What a great surprise to open my dashboard and see so many new comments!

      I really appreciate all of your good thoughts and observations. I can tell that you have been around the block a few times!

      Thanks for stopping by! I look forward to hearing from you in the future!

      – Marie


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