Posted by: Marie | January 29, 2009

(8) Tapes that run inside my head

Post #8
[Therapy homework assignment completed on Wednesday, March 12, 2008]

Tapes That Run Inside My Head

All behavior must be driven by logic and reason – allowing emotion to control behavior is a sign of weakness.

I have been told that men need to be needed by a women; I don’t believe it.  They want the glory of being needed but don’t want to do the work required to be trustworthy and dependable enough to be leaned upon.

When there is conflict in a relationship, I try to stay solution-focused but the men always escalate, blame and find fault.  Men are not capable of fighting fair.

My dad told me that no man would want me as a wife if I continued to be so independent.  I wasn’t willing to give up my independence, so I just accepted that I am not a desirable partner.  Sometimes I wonder if he was right.

When I date women, I am the more masculine party.  That is a role I can fill comfortably, but I am really more attracted to men than women, so I miss the male sexuality.  When I date manly men, I am the more feminine party, but I feel no emotional or spiritual connection.  When I date “softer” men, I am very confused about my place in the relationship. I am too abnormal to fit into a “normal” relationship.

Men cannot be trusted to keep their promises to me.

Men aren’t interested in who I am on the inside, they only feign interest in order to get me into bed.

I am too emotional and messed up – no man wants to walk through my sob stories and pain with me.  I have to get my act together before I can be desirable and loveable.

I am too intense – it is too much work for other people to deal with me on a regular basis – I don’t play around enough – I need to be more lighthearted.

Men do not find my body attractive (at my current weight), they close their eyes during sex so they can imagine they are having sex with someone else.

I take too much time to reach orgasm; no man wants to spend that much time stimulating me.  If I request that he spend that much time helping me reach orgasm, he will go find some other woman who does not require that much attention.  It is better to exaggerate/lie when he asks if I am satisfied in order to continue the relationship.

Men expect me to do all the cleaning and cooking, contribute financially, be fun, spontaneous, cute and sexy at all times, maintain a sexy body, keep my legs shaved, keep my breath and pussy fresh, and be sexually available and ready all hours of the night, every night – despite the fact that they criticize me continuously, don’t spend much time with me and withhold affection – and they will leave me if I dare complain about this arrangement, so I have to keep my mouth shut and just tolerate it because it is the best I’ll ever have.  Maybe it is less painful to be alone.

When I try to share who I am, people quickly stop listening.  I have to speak very quickly and with very few words in order to be heard.

In non-sexual relationships, everyone always assumes that I am trying to transition it into a sexual relationship.  I have to continuously prove that is not true.

Don’t make a big deal out of nothing – don’t be melodramatic – don’t be demanding or whiny – nobody wants to be around a drama queen.


Responses

  1. I think it is very good to write this all down. It challenges assumptions by bringing them into the light. It also helps see how treatment by others impacts someone.

    I should really write a list like this, but I don’t think that I am brave enough.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate


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