Posted by: Marie | January 27, 2009

(7) I feel dirty

Post #7
[Journal entry written to my therapist on Thursday, March 6, 2008]

My Final Holdout
(additional ponderings)

It seems bizarre to me that I use the rape theme for masturbation when unsolicited touch is a huge issue for me in “real” life – and additionally so considering the fact that I go to sleep every night pretending that some gentle, loving man is holding me, protecting me – and not demanding sex from me.

For whatever reason, the rape theme seems to be the only theme that is effective for me during masturbation.  I have tried to replace it with more wholesome themes and I have tried not utilizing fantasies at all, but have experienced little success.  I find it hard to orgasm without the rape theme.

I started masturbating around age five, I think – I’m not sure how I would know that, that age association just feels accurate to me.  I didn’t understand what it was all about, it just felt good to me – I remember a time, when I was about six or seven years old, a teacher told me that humping the monkey bars was something that should be done in private – when I asked why, she told me to ask my mother.  This conversation left me very confused (especially the part about how I was supposed to have access to monkey bars in private, LOL!)

I started incorporating rape into my fantasies when I was nine (4th grade), within a few weeks of learning about sex for the first time from my mom.  My girlfriends at school told me to read a certain Judy Blume book in which one sex scene involves a young girl loosing her virginity – the scenario involved pain, but not rape.  I put the “rape” spin on it – it was more exciting for me that way.  I don’t know why my brain made that connection and why it is still so strong for me now.  When I go back into my memories, it feels like I was primed much earlier in my life to make that connection, and that learning about sex just gave me a tangible manifestation of that connection – that it completed a pre-existing circuit – does that make sense?  (It’s all kind of fuzzy to me.)

It has been suggested to me that I was sexually abused.  Yet, I have no memory of that, and I was naive about the mechanics and logistics of sex until the normal rights of passage that occurred in my late teens.  I think that all would not be true if I had been molested.  My dad was very careful about not touching me inappropriately – in fact, I think it would have been healthy for him to touch me affectionately more than he did – I got the message that I was untouchable.  I don’t know if my experiences with other boys/men constitute abuse – I have always thought they didn’t have too much impact because I always was able to fight back and stop it – I’m now rethinking that belief.

When I am with a partner, these fantasies are not part of my experience during the first several encounters.  Then, the sex becomes more about the guy and less about me and I don’t receive the stimulation I need from my partner, yet I feel pressure to make my body respond – and to respond quickly.  So, I turn to the one sure-fire method I know – my rape fantasies.

I am concerned that, if fantasizing about rape (or role-playing that scenario with my partner) became a regular part of the sex, it could take over and overwhelm the relationship – it could become difficult for me to get aroused otherwise.

Is this an addiction?  I think my relationship with the pornography parallels my relationship with alcohol – I don’t crave the alcohol, just the escape from responsibility it provides.  I don’t crave pornography, per se, just the escape from responsibility it provides (or is that one and the same?)  I don’t know if that meets the definition of an addiction – either way, it is a problem for me.

When I browse for porn on the Internet, it is very easy for me to spend hours – maybe 2-6 hours – searching, reading and watching, and masturbating several times.  Then I feel dirty because what I have absorbed is pretty ugly.  I also feel disgusted with myself for wasting so many hours.

Once I create/find a story I like, then I play it out in my head where I am the female being raped.  The “fantasy me” experiences pain but no pleasure while the “real me” has an orgasm simultaneously with the “fantasy male” – I’m sure there is a Freudian connection somewhere in there!


  1. You sound so similar to me I could have written this page out myself and it’s look the same when I was done.

    Just know that your fantasy is normal and it’s no addiction that you need to break. My best suggestion would be to get yourself into a nice D/s relationship. Roleplaying shouldn’t overwhelm the relationship at all. I do it with my Master so often that regular sex seems kinky! But we’re happy this way.

    • Hi, Anka –

      Thank you for your supportive words . . . I have learned that this type of fantasy is very common. That makes it a bit easier to talk about it — to admit it to others.

      I think each person has to decide for herself/himself what feels good and right. I’m glad that embracing this fantasy has been a positive experience for you — more power to you!

      I also acknowledge that this fantasy does not feel good and right to me — it could be how I was raised . . . or the way I look at the world . . . or the particular emotions I feel when I utilize this fantasy . . . or that I have curly hair (joke) . . . but for me, it just doesn’t work. So, it is appropriate for me to shift my fantasies to ones that create a positive experience for me. We each have to do what works for us as individuals, I believe . . .

      Thanks for reading . . and for commenting! It is always nice to hear from my audience members!

      – Marie

  2. Hi Marie,

    I have read some of your later posts out of order, so I can see how far you are in figuring this out. But I wanted to write out my support for you on this issue.

    It does make sense that abuse created a pre-existing circuit or connection and that you are acting out this scenario. I also wanted to say that touch that is beyond your control and touch that you fantasize about, in which you have control of the scenairo, even though not in control during the scenario is still a kind of control and a way to act out the incident where you are ultimately in control. Hope that made sense.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


    • Wow, Kate –

      I really like what you wrote about the “not in control” and “being in control” . . . that does make sense! Thanks for providing me with a new light in which to see it!

      – Marie

  3. Hi Marie,

    You’re welcome.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


  4. […] they take. They have helped me beyond measure. I am stronger for having read their writing and some posts in particular have helped me bring up some super scary topics in therapy. I am a braver, smarter person because a […]

    • Thank you, OBD, for your appreciation of my blog . . . I admire your courage, as well!!

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