Posted by: Marie | January 22, 2009

(4) Why can’t I stick with my plans . . . ??

Post #4
[Private journal entry written Tuesday, February 19, 2008]

After five-plus years of very lean times, I finally have a steady, “real” job – a steady, “real” paycheck.

My attempt to rent a suite of rooms from my friend, Doug, was unsuccessful and chaotic, to say the least. So, I was glad to subsequently find a cozy and truly peaceful living space through Craig’s list — I found a basement suite of rooms for rent in the home of an awesome husband and wife (Erik and Susan). I once again feel safe and somewhat stabilized.

Recently, I took a deep breath and decided it was time to find a therapist to help me work through whatever is behind my self-sabotaging behavior.

My destructive behavior had always been an issue for me. I know I am smart, very capable and hard working – so why can’t I stick with my plans for eating well, exercising, developing solid relationships, managing money, incorporating fun into my life . . . ?? I am great at developing plans, but as soon as I start implementing those plans, I do stupid things that make it impossible to stick with my plan. It is like I am committed to failure.

Then, there is the issue of men. Since that awful night in Baton Rouge, I haven’t been the least interested in men. Well, in all honesty, I had started losing hope a long time before Baton Rouge. It is just that, after that trip, my disgust with men finally became greater than my desperate desire to be accepted and loved by one. Men suck. I suppose I should add that issue to the list of issues to be dealt with in therapy.

So, today, I am meeting for the first time with Mark, my new therapist. I hope he knows what he is in for . . . .

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