[Private journal entry writen on August 1, 2009]

A week+ ago, a relatively large sum of money was supposed to show up in my bank account. It has not yet.

I have a couple of bills that really need to be paid. I can’t pay them because I don’t have the cash available right now.

This is not a crisis . . . nothing really bad is going to happen because my payments are late. It just means I have to have uncomfortable conversations in which I have to apologize for not keeping my promises. It means other people are going to have to figure out how to stretch their already-stretched budgets.

Ali Mountain by Martin Chen

Those conversations are very difficult for me because I’m big on keeping my promises.

I have noticed that, this week, while dealing with this situation, I have been unusually calm about the whole deal. It is easy for me to get worked up about financial matters – I am often afraid of not having enough.

So, I’m rejoicing that this matter has not kept me awake at nights and distracted during the day. I have simply handled it and I have done what needs to be done. No big deal. It’s going to be okay.

Yesterday, in the midst of this “challenging situation”, I received some very good news. At my soon-to-start-again job with the school district, I got a nice pay raise and I got an assignment that will increase my daily work hours from 3.25 hrs/day to 5.25 hrs/day. That translates into almost twice as much income from this job.

I could have “made it” on the original pay rate and hours, but this new scenario will allow me a little breathing room. I have been holding my breath for the last several months – the chances were iffy it would play out the way I had hoped. But, it did, and I am very thankful.

On another tangent . . . dealing with the money stuff this week has caused me to look for assurance from a higher power. I want to know that I can relax into the power of my faith. I want to know that I can trust everything will “work out” just fine . . .

I want to know that “it” is on its way, “it” will arrive soon enough, “it” will be enough.

Instead, I found an absence of assurance. I am now feeling unsettled by my sudden and acute need to figure out what I believe about God – what I know and don’t know for sure about my faith in God . . .

You see, my Christian heritage teaches that Christians can trust God fully to provide for every need. Yet, my life experience has taught me that not every need is always taken care of in a timely manner — and sometimes needs are not met at all. In the worse cases . . . sometimes little kids – innocent little kids – deal with horrid things like rape, starvation, abandonment . . . and many die because their basic survival needs are not met.

How can I square that up with the religion of my childhood? Why would I be any more deserving of having enough to eat than a sweet baby somewhere on the other side of the world?

This line of pondering is not bringing me assurance.

In contrast, my exposure to “new thought” teachings has presented me with the possibility that God is part of me and I am part of God – we are one and the same. God is not some separate entity to whom I petition and beg for favor – forever hoping I’m praying loud enough or long enough or with enough fervor to attract his attention.

Instead, because God is part of me and I am part of God – we are one and the same – I am already connected to everything there is – my needs are already met, I just don’t know it yet. It becomes about the Law of Attraction.

So . . then, I’m left wondering . . . am I doing enough to attract what I need? Am I doing enough to draw it close enough for me to see it? Touch it? Pass it along to those to whom I’ve made promises?

If not, what should I be doing differently? Do I have to “do it” just right – or suffer the awful consequences of having done it insufficiently? How long will it take me to figure it out? Will I become destitute before that happens? Will I die first?

How is “doing it” right any different from “earning it”? What happened to the entitlement that comes with just “being”?

This does not provide any assurance, either.

The best comfort I have found in this moment is that I truly believe that all things work together for the highest good. It may be rough going for some people all the time, and for all people some of the time (including me); but, in the final end, it all will have been for the best. That means . . . my promises, my bills, my ability to buy food . . . well, that’s all small stuff in the big scheme of things.

Is this “all things work together for the highest good” concept enough for me to conclude sufficient assurance?

I don’t know – maybe.

Does that mean I shouldn’t worry about the small stuff?

This doesn’t feel like a reasonable conclusion, either. It seems like a big deal when I’m unable to keep my promises. I’m sure it would seem like a very big deal if I didn’t have food to eat for a period of time. I’m sure it would seem like a very big deal if I didn’t have drinkable water available to me for a single day.

I’m discovering that I’m rather committed to worrying about the small stuff.

What do I believe about God? Am I currently able to relax into “his” energy, knowing that “he” is watching out for me, that everything will be okay?

No.

Do I believe I’ve done everything I need to do, in order to attract what I need, when I need it?

No.

Do I trust that I can handle everything that comes my way, using my own resources?

No! Not by a long shot.

What do I believe? In what do I trust?

I don’t know.

How can I validate my faith, if and when I’m finally able to define its parameters?

I don’t know — I just don’t have the answers yet.

[Private journal entry on July 31, 2009]

Yesterday, I got to see my cousin who is closest to me in age and personality. She lives in an adjacent state so I do manage to see her once in a while. But, it is usually in passing and in environments not conducive to intimate conversation.

She was in the area this week and I got to see her. She was spending 24 hours with her husband and kids at her husband’s mother’s house. She invited me to swing by, so I did!

Sea View by Martin Chen

I had never before met her mother-in-law or any of her husband’s family. But, they welcomed me with wide-open arms and caused me to feel like family. Her husband’s two cousins were also visiting from a couple of states over, so I got to visit with them, also.

One of the cousins had a guitar and a harmonica, his mom had a keyboard and the whole bunch loved to sing. So, we jammed for a couple of hours . . . it was a blast!

Then, his mom served up a very yummy, authentic home-cooked Mexican meal (his family is Hispanic). The meal was awesome! So, that made for a very fun day.

I sometimes hesitate to spend one-on-one time with my extended family members. Much of my extended family are devout Christians and are devoted to fervently spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ. I’m fine with that as long as I’m not cornered and feeling obligated to listen.

Inevitably, at family events, I get asked the question, “So, where do you go to church now?” I have not yet found a good way to answer that question honestly.

If I answer truthfully with “nowhere”, then I am subjected to a thorough interrogation about why I’m not going to church and on the status of my relationship with God. Quite frankly, I don’t think any of that is any of their business. But, they feel it is – and no matter what I say, they are not going to not think it is their business.

That conversation always makes me feel very awkward. I’m fine with my own process of discovering God. I believe I’m right where I’m supposed to be with it. But, I know they would not share my assessment. They believe my soul is damned unless I convert to their way of believing.

The church teaches them to be oblivious to boundaries, personal space, personal beliefs and tact. (Damn it all in the name of evangelism! Salvation is the only thing that matters!) It is the same justification my therapist, Mark, used to violate boundaries I had clearly established around the discussion of religion. It is the same justification that made it “okay” for my father to inflict emotional and physical abuse on his children — it is allowable if it is in the name of God because it might save my soul from eternal damnation.

I feel I cannot have emotionally intimate relationships with people who will not willingly honor my boundaries. I know that, with them, I will always have to be a bit on guard, ready to fight to defend my boundaries. I cannot fully relax and feel safe. So, I just keep the relationships superficial and “nice” — I don’t ever display my soft underbelly.

I imagine that, if I were to have a face-to-face conversation with Christ, I would not come away feeling guarded, disrespected and unsafe. I believe, in that conversation, there would be space for me to discuss what I was feeling and thinking, and what I believe about God. I don’t think there would be judgment and I don’t think the gospel would be evangelized so forcefully that my experience would be overwhelmed and discounted.

I believe Christ’s actions would reflect God’s love. Christ wouldn’t have to verbalize the actual message. The message communicated by his respect of my boundaries would be so much more powerful than anything he could quote from the Bible.

But, the evangelical church does not recognize this — it teaches its followers to be very forceful in spreading the gospel — the verbal message. The disregard for boundaries feels absolutely destructive to me. That is why I am no longer part of that community. And, because I don’t feel safe sharing my deepest experiences, I feel unable to deeply connect with people who are still part of that community.

I haven’t been able to share my story with the people from my childhood because it feels way too unsafe for me. I know this particular cousin experienced incest because she disclosed to me when she was eight years old and I was nine. I didn’t tell anyone because — well, because we didn’t talk about such things. I would like to talk to her about it now. But, she is so focused on spreading the gospel that the idea of talking to her about her experience (and my story) feels unsafe. I believe she would push me to experience God in her way and that she would not be able to allow my experience of God to be “okay” — I believe she would ignore my boundaries. Why would I sign up for that?

Anyway, back to the present . . .

This is my family and I’m going to be related to them, and associating with them, for the rest of my life. So, I try really hard to not be too rude by ending the conversation abruptly and aggressively. Instead, most of the time, I take the easy way out and lie, or at least stretch the truth just to keep the peace.

Yesterday was no exception. When the question came up, I said I was attending a community church. If I had to pick a church that I would most consider as my “home church”, it would be that church. But, I haven’t attended there for almost a year. So, I guess that translates into a stretching of the truth.

Somehow I feel justified in handling it that way, for now — I guess justification of behavior can run both ways.

Someday, I need to figure out a better way to handle it because I know I’m going to be asked that question at least another 100-200 times in my life — they aren’t going to stop asking.

I can see it is becoming critical that I learn how to establish and enforce boundaries, in general. It is something I need to learn very soon.

People are not going to stop trying to encroach on my boundaries — it is something I will have to deal with the rest of my life. I might as well learn how to fight well now, rather than later.

[Private journal entry written on July 30, 2009]

It has been three days since I recognized that it would be helpful if I gave myself permission to be really angry, and to not focus on contentment and bliss right now.

For three nights, I have repeated my new found practice of embracing the very emotions I have been desperately fighting against. For three nights, I have had very little desire for ice cream. For three nights, I have easily gone to sleep. For three nights, I have slept soundly and peacefully.

Photo by Martin Chen

And during the day, I am finding myself craving protein and vegetables and fruit and whole grains – healthy stuff. I have a half-eaten pint of B&J ice cream sitting in my freezer. It has remained in a half-eaten state since I opened it four days ago. That blows my mind.

I looked at my face today – it actually looks GOOD – clear, fresh. It’s amazing what happens when my skin has a few days to heal in the absence of constant destruction.

The biggest shocker is that my ever-present need to be held by a gentle, loving man in a non-sexual embrace has faded significantly. As I have been relaxing into that blissful slumber each night, I have been playing with being present and being absent . . .

When I embrace my emotions, I can feel that I am fully present in the now, in my body, in my soul. If I allow myself to slip off into the fantasy of being held, I can literally feel myself exit my body. My soul moves out the top/back of my skull and hangs out a couple feet above my head – and my sense of touch becomes dramatically dampened. In those moments, I identify as a helpless, young victim. My energy is tiny and immature and shrinking.

Then, when I shift back into the empowered position as the “holder of my own emotion”, I shoot back into my body and fill it completely. The phrase, “I am woman, hear me roar!” keeps flying around in my mind. My head-full of unruly red hair seems in harmony with that way of being – I have to giggle a bit at the mental image.

Can you see what is happening? Can you see the paradox? In giving myself permission to embrace the anger and fear and anxiety – and in giving myself permission to not pursue bliss and contentment right now – the anger, fear and anxiety have taken a back seat.

And bliss and contentment are making an appearance for the first time in . . . well, in nearly a lifetime. Who knew?

Having said all that . . . I am a bit nervous about seeing this as a “life-changing” paradigm shift. It feels like it could be. But, I’m still holding my breath a bit. I don’t want to get too excited until some more time has past and I’ve had a chance to really test its significance.

But, I’m hopeful.

I have not yet felt ready to continue work on the “Courage to Heal” book. Moving forward on the writing exercise that comes next in the book still feels unsafe for me. I don’t yet feel emotionally stable enough to handle the process of remembering “what happened”. I fear I could be overwhelmed with the memories . . . I fear my tenuous emotional stability could evaporate . . . it could put my job at risk . . . and the safety of others at risk.

Yet, with the shift that seems to be occurring, maybe . . . maybe . . . prolonged stability is within my reach. Maybe I will be ready to remember – and lay it to rest – sometime in the near future. Maybe. I am hopeful.

[Private journal entry written on July 28, 2009]

Yesterday, I recognized that it would be helpful if I gave myself permission to be really angry, and to not focus on contentment and bliss right now.

Last night, as bedtime approached, I decided to experiment a bit. Ever since my major meltdown this spring, it has been my habit to start soothing my anxiety in the hour or two before bedtime with sugar . . usually ice cream. During these last few weeks, I have been eating a pint of B&J ice cream almost every night.

Photo by Martin Chen

Instead, last night, I lay down on my bed and relaxed into my pillows. I imagined myself as I have been . . . down in an earthen hole, clawing to get out as dirt collapses in on me, trying desperately to escape the grip of fear and anxiety . . . unable to get a full breath before another shower of dirt fills up my mouth . . .

Then, I imagined myself turning around energetically . . instead of fighting to get away from emotions, I turned and embraced them. I pulled them to me, wrapped my arms around them. I acknowledged their purpose and value. I reminded myself that feeling emotion – even ones that are traditionally considered “negative” – is healthy and necessary. I granted myself permission to feel the full vibration of each emotion throughout my entire body.

I was expecting to be overcome with emotion . . . to have wracking sobs erupt from deep in my soul . . . to lie awake way into the night, re-experiencing a lifetime of repressed pain. I dreaded what was sure to come – what I had been trying to avoid by eating pint after pint after pint of brain-freezing sugar.

That is not what happened – not at all.

First, the little voice in my head mocked my efforts: “You have nothing to feel angry about. You have had it so good in your life; you were dealt an awesome hand in this life. Quit your belly-aching.”

Ah! That would be my dad’s voice, coming from the grave. I recognize the term “belly-aching” . . . it was one of his favorites.

Sorry, Dad, you don’t get to be part of this conversation. Your opinion doesn’t count here – no disrespect intended. Now, roll over and go back to your everlasting rest – you already finished your work on this earth. Thank you, anyway.

Then, as I was able to truly embrace the emotions I had been desperately pushing away . . .

Do you know how a surge of energy moves down your body when your physical energy suddenly shifts . . . maybe you feel the thrill of an adrenaline pulse, maybe you feel the “fight or flight” sharpening of every sense and every muscle, maybe you feel the waves of passion race to your toes during that first kiss . . . you know what I mean, right?

Well, that’s what happened to me as I embraced those long-resisted emotions. I started feeling strong, pulsing waves of healing energy move from my head to my toes . . . wave after wave after wave.

And my body relaxed.

My mind quieted.

I was very aware of the texture of my cotton sheets against the skin on the tops of my feet.

My whole body was gently vibrating . . . like a vibrating chair set on a low speed with gentle heat.

I was bigger than just my head . . . my person filled every inch of my body. My psychological energy was pressed up against the inside of my skin – all over. I could feel both sides of my skin at the same time as a singular sensation. I was IN MY BODY!

And, I didn’t want to pull away from skin. I wanted my energy to fill up all of my physical being. It felt good. Very good.

And I went to sleep.

And I slept hard – a complete night’s sleep.

And I awoke fully rested.

Wow! What a blessing . . .

[Private journal entry written July 27, 2009]

Okay, faithful readers of my blog . . . I know the quirky “time lag thing” can make my blog confusing, but hang with me here . . .

In order for this blog posting to make sense, you need to be familiar with the following timeline (all dates are in 2009):

March 2nd: I lied to Dr. Barb (my therapist) during a therapy session.

March 22nd: I wrote a journal entry in which I confessed to Dr. Barb that I had lied to her.

July 26th: I published the March 22nd journal entry to this blog. One of my blog’s readers, Jalessa, wrote a comment about the blog posting that same day.

July 27th: I wrote in my journal about how Jaleesa’s comment affected me (which is the text you are now reading).

December 9th: I published the July 27th journal entry to this blog (which is this posting).

Got it? LOL

The lying incident happened like this: Dr. Barb asked me if I was saying affirmations while taking my vitamins. I said “yes”; the truthful answer would have been “no”.

The Way by Martin Chen

As part of my written apology, as a way to rectify my lie, I presented to Dr. Barb the list of affirmations I would start saying during key “self-care” activities such as eating nutritious food, brushing my teeth and taking vitamins. And that was that.

I hadn’t given the March 22nd journal entry much thought since I originally wrote it in March – until Jaleesa submitted her comment on July 26th. Her comment was composed entirely of a single question:

“Have you noticed any changes from doing the affirmations?”

The answer should have been something like:

“No, not as many changes as I believe there could have been, had I been truly committed to enjoying the full benefit available to me through the act of saying the affirmations.”

But, that is not how I answered. I went into this verbose diatribe about how I had been in locked in a battle of wills with Dr. Barb at the time I wrote the March 22nd journal entry . . . and how I hadn’t really been committed to feeling more joyful . . . and how the affirmations had benefited me to some extent despite my bad attitude . . .

I went on and on and on.

Then, I started writing the conclusion to my diatribe. That is when I found myself sitting there with one unanswered question of my own bouncing around in my brain:

“If I believe so strongly in the power of affirmations, why am I not saying them now (July 26th)?”

I didn’t have a good answer to give myself.

To cover up that little incongruence in my response to Jaleesa, I launched into this second train of thought about how my struggle with self-care habits has had good times and bad times . . . but that I am doing better now . . . even though my “doing better” was not reflected in my self-care habits at the moment . . .

I went on and on and on — trying to figure out how to convince Jaleesa that the affirmations were a beneficial tool, despite the fact I was not using them.

I thought I got all the loose ends of my logical explanation sewn up. So, I hit the “submit” button.

As is my habit, I went back and looked at the now-published comment to make sure everything looked good – no typos or bad grammar . . .

As I read back through what I had written, I noticed my words still didn’t cover up the inconsistency I was trying to hide. So, I opened the comment back up in edit mode and rewrote a few sentences . . and saved the updates.

Read it over again – my words still didn’t cover up the inconsistency.

Opened it up again and made a few more changes.

Saved the updates.

Read it over again – my words still didn’t cover up the inconsistency.

Opened it up again and made a few more changes.

Saved the updates.

After about the eighth edit, I noticed the url address was getting quite long (it gets longer with each edit). If any of my readers saw how long the url had gotten, they would know I was having a lot of trouble with crafting my answer – they might see me as inauthentic.

Yes, as I write this today, I can easily see the irony . . . I was so committed to “being” (appearing) authentic that I was failing to actually be authentic . . .

So, I copied over the text of my response to a new comment and deleted the old one.

I submitted the new comment.

Read it over – my words still didn’t cover up the inconsistency.

Opened it up again and made a few more changes.

Saved the updates.

Read it over again – my words still didn’t cover up the inconsistency.

Opened it up again and made a few more changes.

Saved the updates.

After about the fifth edit, I knew I needed to copy the text over to ANOTHER new comment – for the same aforementioned reason. So, I did.

As I was getting ready to hit the “submit” button, I paused.

I asked myself:

“Self, you lied to Dr. Barb way back in March. Now, you are having trouble finding a workable response to Jaleesa’s comment. Both times, the subject matter was affirmations. What’s going on here? What about affirmations causes you to feel conflicted?”

I finally recognized that what I had written to Jaleesa was pure bullshit. So, documented that realization at the bottom of my response. Then, I added a semi-truthful answer underneath.

And I hit the submit button.

And I went on with my evening.

But, my mind was on my answer. It still was not fully truthful.

On my way to bed, I stopped by the computer and submitted a response to my earlier rant. (I wanted to preserve my rant for the record.) In this new response, I gave a bit more honest answer.

And I went to bed.

At 4am, I woke up to a whirlwind of conflict swirling in my brain. The incongruence was still there. I still hadn’t been honest – not because I didn’t want to be, but because I didn’t have the answer for what was causing my sense of conflict.

So, I got up, put the questions I was pondering into another response (still keeping my earlier responses) and submitted them to the blog. I went back to bed.

I lay awake for 90 minutes. Then, I finally figured out the answer – or at least most of it. So, I got back up and added one more comment:

“. . . I have not yet given myself permission to be really angry, nor have I given myself permission to not focus on contentment and bliss right now . . .”

In other words, if I’m going to be angry, then BE ANGRY!!

So . . . now . . . I wonder . . . how does one go about giving herself permission for this?

———————————————-

P.S. – I must take a moment and thank Jaleesa for being the catalyst for this journey of my mind, and to thank my friend Evan for planting a seed for this “ah hah” moment by suggesting to me in another forum that all emotion is positive and should be embraced.

[Private journal entry written July 26, 2009]

My housemates, Susan and Erik, bought this house a few years back. They have been fixing up the inside and the outside. They have created a wonderful oasis in the backyard – a 12-foot by 18-foot pond (3.7 meter x 5.5 meter) – four feet deep (1.2 meters) – with fish and tadpoles and lily pads, and a rushing river and waterfall feeding into it – and stone slabs and grass and rose bushes all around the pond. There are a couple of tall evergreens that provide shade, and a framework for the hammock. It has taken them a couple of years to build this – the end is in sight.

So, anyway, we water the yard via a neighborhood well that is located adjacent to our property. (We humans drink city water, but the yard gets untreated well water.)

Anping Harbor by Martin Chen

Last summer, they found a large toad living in the well. Since toads can’t jump very well, it couldn’t get out. So, they helped it out and it lived in the garden for quite some time. They named it Alice.

This summer, I kept getting startled, while I was sitting on the “john” in my basement suite of rooms, by the sound of rustling leaves just outside my bathroom window. All of the basement windows are the old-fashioned style where they are up against the ceiling and are only 20 inches (51 cm) high and 30 inches (76 cm) wide. (Fortunately, all my windows face west and south and I get plenty of sunshine, so my rooms are very bright and sunny.)

At first, I thought it must be a human looking into my bathroom window (a very freaky thought). But, given our neighbors, I just could not imagine that happening. Plus, there aren’t dead leaves on the ground outside my window – only grass. I finally figured out there must be something in the window well.

I climbed up onto the toilet seat and looked out my window – sure enough, there sat a toad looking back at me. She had been living there for about six weeks.

When I told my housemates, they immediately ran outside to the window well and took off the cover – they wanted to see if it was Alice. They happily announced that, while it couldn’t be Alice (she wasn’t large enough), it must be her offspring because “they look exactly alike!”

Now, before you start thinking my housemates are ignorant, I’ll let you know that they were joking – they are famous for their silly fun-ness . . . they were just being corny. We decided to name her Alice, Jr. Then we had to have a big house meeting to determine if it would be better for her to stay in the window well or to move her into the garden. We decided to move her and we voted that it was my job to climb into the window well and get her.

Guess what? A few days later, I was sitting on the “john” and started hearing that familiar rustling over my head again. After finishing my business, I climbed back up on the toilet seat to take a gander . . . yup, she was back!!!

I raced upstairs to make the big announcement to Susan and Erik . . . and, giggling, we all raced outside to the window well . . . Susan pulled Alice, Jr. out this time . . .

That’s when Susan told me that one of her friends had brought her a bucket full of toads (maybe 20 of them) earlier in the day for her garden. She had turned them loose all over the garden and yard. So . . . . I have a feeling there might be a few different Alices in my window well before fall arrives, LOL.

[Book study - July 25, 2009]

The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
(Third Edition, 1994)
by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

Part Two: The Healing Process
A Stage of Healing: Remembering

[Table of Contents]

——————–

Green text: Quotes/Summaries from the book
Gray text: My words

This transformative work (the entire series of blog posts relating to this book) constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any copyrighted material as provided for in Section 107 of the US Copyright law.

——————–

Writing Exercise: What Happened To You

Write about your experience of being sexually abused as a child.
(I’m choosing to instead write about historical events for which, still today, I carry shame and/or guilt. This includes, but is not limited to, sexual abuse.)

(My answer is continued from an earlier post . . . .)

It is my understanding that a significant part of this writing exercise is to really look at the feelings and emotions I experienced when “what happened” happened. I have noticed that my vocabulary around emotions is rather limited. That makes this exercise all the more challenging for me (as if it isn’t challenging enough!)

Selflessness Forest by Martin Chen

So, I have compiled an awesome list of adjectives to help jump-start my vocabulary. Now, I must warn you – I have made a very conscious decision to not make this list “perfect”. Therefore, it may not be perfectly in alphabetical order, it is possible that not all the words are adjectives, or even truly classified as emotions or feelings.

It would be easy for me to procrastinate writing the “meat” of this exercise by fussing over this list’s lack of perfection. I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to allow it to remain in a “good enough” condition. It is simply a brain tickler, anyway – it doesn’t have to be perfect to be useful.

Feel free to copy this list and make it your own. You don’t need to give me creative credit. It will please me if you are able to use it.

Also, I would be honored if you would add your favorite adjectives via the comments section . . . what similar words do you really love?

abandoned
able
absolved
abundance
abused
acceptable
accepted
accepting
accountable
active
adaptable
adequate
admirable
admired
adored
affluent
agreeable
agony
afraid
alert
alienated
alone
ambitious
amenable
amused
angry
annoyed
anxious
appreciated
apprehensive
approved of
approving
ashamed
assured
at a loss
at ease
attached
attentive
attractive
authentic
awake
aware
awesome
awkward
bad
balanced
beautiful
believed
believing
betrayed
better-than
blame (towards others)
blamed
blessed
blissful
bonded
bored
brave
brilliant
burdened
calm
capable
captivated
cared for
careful
caring
cautious
centered
certain
cheated
cheerful
cherished
clean
clear
collected
comfortable
comforted
committed
compassionate
complete
composed
comprehending
concerned
confident
confused
congruent
connected
conscious
constant
content
cooperative
courageous
crazy
credible
crushed
cornered
daring
deceived
decisive
defeated
defended
defensive
defiled
degraded
dejected
delighted
dependable
depressed
deprived
desirable
desired
despair
despondent
devastated
dignified
disappointed
discerning
disciplined
disconnected
discouraged
discounted
disenchanted
disgusted
disliked
dismayed
disoriented
distinguished
distraught
distrustful (towards others)
distrusted
doubt
drained
dread
driven
dutiful
dynamic
eager
easy-going
ecstatic
edified
efficient
elated
elegant
elevated
emancipated
embarrassed
empowered
empty
emptiness
encouraged
energetic
energized
enraged
enthusiastic
euphoric
exceptional
excited
exhausted
exhilarated
expansive
experienced
expressive
exuberant
faith
faithful
fantastic
fatigued
favored
fearful
firm
flexible
flowing
focused
forceful
forgiven
fortified
fortunate
fragile
frantic
free
friendly
frightened
frustrated
fulfilled
gentle
genuine
gifted
glowing
good-natured
graceful
gracious
grateful
gratified
grief stricken
grounded
guarded
guilty
hapless
happy
harmonious
harried
healed
heartache
heartbroken
heartsick
heaviness
healed
helpful
helpless
heroic
hesitant
high
honest
honorable
honored
hopeful
hopeless
horror
horrified
hostile
humble
humiliated
humored
humorous
hurt
ignored
impatient
important
in control
inadequate
included
independent
indignant
infatuated
influential
innocent
insecure
insignificant
inspired
intelligent
interested
intimidated
invigorated
invincible
invited
irritated
invalidated
jovial
joyful
jubilant
judged
judgmental
judicious
kind
lazy
learned
less-than
lethargic
liberated
light
lighthearted
lonely
longing for
loose
loss
lost
loved
loyal
lucky
mad
magnetic
manipulated
marvelous
masterful
mature
meek
melancholy
merciful
methodical
mindful
misused
modest
mortified
motivated
neat
needy
neglected
noble
non-judgmental
not trusted
observant
offended
open
open hearted
organized
outgoing
outraged
overwhelmed
pacified
pained
pampered
pardoned
passionate
patient
peaceful
perfect
persecuted
persevering
picked on
pleasant
pleased
popular
positive
powerful
praised
precious
prepared
present
pressured
productive
proficient
progressive
prosperous
protected
prudent
punctual
punished
purified
purposeful
put down
put upon
puzzled
qualified
quick
radiant
rage
rational
reasonable
reassured
rebellious
receptive
recognized
redeemed
regenerated
rejected
rejecting
relaxed
release
released
reliable
relief
relieved
remembered
remorseful
replenished
resentment
resolute
respected
respectful
responsive
restless
restored
revitalized
rewarded
rooted
sad
satisfied
scared
scattered
scorned
secure
seen
self-conscious
selfish
selfless
self-reliant
sensational
sensible
sensitive
serene
settled
shamed
shattered
silly
simple
skillful
smooth
soothed
sorrow
sorrowful
spirited
splendid
stable
startled
steadfast
strengthened
strong
successful
suffering
supported
suspicious (of self or others)
sustained
tactful
teachable
temperate
tenacious
tender
terror
thankful
thoughtful
thrilled
tired
tolerant
tortured
tranquil
trapped
triumphant
troubled
trustful
trusting
traumatized
unacknowledged
unappreciated
unbiased
uncertain
understanding
understood
undisturbed
unhurried
unique
united
unloved
unselfish
untrusting
unmotivated
unsure
untrusting
unwanted
unworthy
upheld
used
valiant
valuable
valued
victimized
violated
vital
vulnerable
warm
wasted
wary
wealthy
weary
weird
willing
wise
wonderful
worthwhile
worried
worthless
worthy
wounded
worn out
wrongly accused
yielding
zealous

[To be continued in an upcoming post . . .]

Spotlight on a Great Blog

I have been perusing many therapy and mental health related blogs over the past few months and have found quite a number that I really like and have added to my blogroll.

Some of those blogs are of exceptional value to me — I feel compelled to call attention to them, as is the case with the blog I’m highlighting in this post. You may ask, “What qualifies as exceptional value?” Well, I value the following:

1) An overall focus on healing and moving forward — that doesn’t necessarily mean there is an absence of negative material; but rather, that it is balanced with solution-oriented insights;

2) Originality — while links to and reuse of enlightening material is good, original content is even better;

3) Relevancy — the majority of the posts are related to therapy and the therapeutic process;

4) Level of activity — the author(s) keeps the material fresh.

So, here is one blog that I feel qualifies as “highly valuable”:

All Who Wander are not Lost!

The author’s name is Gabriella Moonlight (“Gabi”) and I’ll let her introduce herself in her own words: “I am a 41 year old mystically enhanced BoHo goth. I love to hug trees, worship dirt, play with kids, and sit in amazement at the joy, sadness, and great amazing journey that is life. I am an honest soul, a sensitive soul, I will not lie to you to save your feelings, if it means that I can save your life. I will not intentionally hurt you with my honesty, nor will I avoid being an honest presence in your life. I can be a difficult person because of my honesty and I can confound those because of my love. I have no idea how I came to this place in life, but I am so grateful to be in this moment, any moment. I follow my own path and I believe that people are inherently good; and I believe in the honesty that lies within all of our hearts, I fall in love much too easily and I am a sensual spirit who loves to be touched and who loves to sit with the spirits of others.”

Gabi writes with such raw honesty that sometimes it is shocking. She doesn’t filter or “make it pretty”. She just says what she needs to say. She shows the ugliness and yet she always finds the hopeful viewpoint. And, she always finds beauty in every situation and person. She inspires me because I can see myself in her story.

If you are so inclined, I encourage you to swing by her blog and enjoy!

Solicitation for Reader Input

In the past few posts, we have had some great discussion on emotional “nose dives”. I am still working on figuring out what triggers me and what can bring on a sudden emotional dive into very dark places. I feel I need to understand the chain of events so I can re-engineer the chain of events to include more healthy results. I really would like to hear about your experiences with this re-engineering process.

How important is it to you to become familiar with the different chains of events that trigger a nose dive? What do you plan to do with that understanding?

Do you believe you should allow the nose dive to occur and just sit with it, rather than try to stop it, lessen it or delay it?

Are there parts of a nose dive that should be encouraged — like the feeling and/or expression of emotions, but maybe not the destructive behavior like cutting or binge eating?

What events or situations trigger you? When you are triggered, what does your nose dive look like?

What early signs do you watch for? What do you do when you observe those early signs?

How successful have you been at minimizing the nose dives (if that is your intention)? Are you discouraged or encouraged with the process?

I really want to hear your thoughts!! Please send me your comments!

Guest Post

Today, I am honored to publish a guest post written by Evan Hadkins. Evan lives in Canberra, Australia, where he works in the mental health arena. He writes a fabulous blog, Wellbeing and Health, which deals with all aspects of health (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social), with an emphasis on psychology and personal development.

Evan has written this article specifically in response to my previous post (Structure, triggers and other fun stuff). In this article, he provides us with a better understanding of why people with a history of childhood trauma often have a need to tightly control their environment as an adult.

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Need for Extreme Control Over My Environment

It seems to me that there are three obvious things about being a person. The first is that we have needs. The second is that we live somewhere (in some situation). The third is that our needs may be more or easily met depending on where we’re living. (If you disagree with any or all of these ideas please skip straight to the comments for this post.)

Photo by Martin Chen

The way I see it, a lot of our early lives are spent learning about ourselves, our situation and how we marry the two. Strangely, we need to learn about ourselves and our needs: it takes a while to learn how much sleep we need, what foods we like the taste of, and what foods taste good but can have unpleasant consequences, for instance. And much of our attention in our early lives goes on negotiating our social environment: Why is it rude to point? Saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in some situations and not others; and so on.

Over time, we learn all these kinds of things; they become automatic. We forget how much we have learnt and may only realise it when we are put into a different situation. This might be travelling overseas, working in a new workplace or industry or joining a new group. If the new situation is very different we may feel like a child again.

When we pay attention to all the things we have learnt, all the ways that we negotiate our environment every day, we can be amazed. We do so much so easily. We can also realise that much of what we do is habit, and so unconscious.

When we pay attention to this, we may realise that there are many things we can do other than the usual: we can try out different hairstyles or ways of dressing. We really can eat dessert first if we wish. The male lead in the movie “High Fidelity” organised his record collection by personal association (which meant a re-organisation when his romantic relationship changed), there are many ways to do some things other than the way we usually do.

In doing things differently (even if it is just playing for fun) we can discover that we actively contribute to our lives — that we creatively respond to our situation.

In the West, we are in the privileged position that our environment is often hygienic and safe. This is far from true for everyone in all times and places. However, reflecting on the size of our cities and that they manage to function to some extent shows us that most people are well behaved most of the time. Only a few dozen people each day parking across major roads would cause chaos.

When we are in danger, we also respond to our situation. We can respond by getting out of it (if a car is heading towards us we move, and rapidly), by responding in some other way – we might signal to the driver. We might make a bigger picture response too (we might start a lobby group to change the road rules).

After we have been in danger, it feels good to be safe.

Danger doesn’t feel good and so we want to reduce it. If I am a passenger in a car, I might alert the driver to a coming danger. This seems entirely sane and reasonable to me.

If we are in a situation where danger is normal, then we develop habits to deal with this situation. This is important. The problem is that the habits may persist when the situation changes. Soldiers returning from a war zone take time to adjust, and children who grew up in violent families also can find it difficult to believe that they are no longer in danger.

It is especially difficult for children from violent families – feeling in constant danger can be literally all they know. To learn different, they may have to put themselves in a situation, which seems very dangerous. These habits can often persist well into adulthood, and trying to change them can be very difficult.

The habits and other things learnt can become a problem because they don’t suit the new situation. If a person grew up in a dangerous situation then they may well want to control the situation so that they feel safe (when things were out of control they often got hurt).

In adulthood, this person may still feel these childhood emotions when he or she feels a situation is out of control. As an observer of such a person, if we can’t see the emotion, then it may be hard to understand this person’s need or order.

If you feel you may be a bit of a ‘control freak’, it can be worth asking yourself what benefit you get from this behaviour. If it is really puzzling to you, in my experience, the answer will usually lie in childhood feelings.

I’d like to hear about how you relate to control in your life. Are you a control or go-with-the-flow freak? Do you feel that you exercise control of your situation to your benefit? Perhaps you think you exert too little or too much control? Let me hear your experience in the comments.