Posted by: Marie | January 4, 2014

(917) Finding what works for me

Post #917
[Private journal entry written on Saturday, August 4, 2012]

So . . . I had the lessons with Kris and her daughter, Bella, this afternoon . . .

Kris’ husband was supposed to have the two toddlers, but he had gotten held up at work and didn’t get home in time for her to leave them with him. The plan was he was going to swing by the studio and pick them up as soon as he could . . .

Kris more or less kept the toddlers occupied while I did a 30-minute lesson with Bella. Then, we tried to do Kris’ 30-minute lesson . . . of course, every 30 seconds, she had to jump up and rescue the toddlers from some danger . . .

I share space with a print shop . . . they have heavy machinery, chemicals, etc., and there is a long flight of stairs that would be nasty to fall down. While most of the machinery and chemicals are not in my immediate area, a child could easily walk over to them within 15-20 seconds.

I very clearly state in my studio policy that younger siblings are not to be in the studio unless they are old enough to sit quietly on the couch and stay occupied with something like reading or a computer. There is good reason for this . . . the space is not child-proofed.

(259)

Photo by Martin Chen

Anyway, Kris’ husband finally showed up half-way through her lesson. So, we got 15 minutes of peaceful lesson time . . . and we were both so frazzled by that point that the final 15 minutes of her lesson were not as productive as I would have liked them to be. But, that’s not my issue to solve . . .

During the interview, I had told Kris that 60-minute lessons, every other week, really work better with adults than the weekly 30-minute lessons because a longer lesson allows us to get into the material in more depth. However, she had insisted that the 30-minute lessons would be better for her . . . and I went along with it because I knew time would tell which of us was more correct.

Well, it only took this first lesson for her to decide I was more correct . . . and so we scheduled a 60-minute lesson for her on the Saturday two weeks from now, then every two weeks thereafter. Bella will continue with weekly 30-minute lessons and is scheduled for the Saturday one week from now and every week thereafter. As we made the changes to my schedule, I again called Kris’ attention to the fact that she is not to bring toddlers into the studio . . . she promised it wouldn’t happen again . . .

So, we’ll see how things go in the future . . . but, I noticed she didn’t write down any of the scheduling stuff . . . hmmmm . . . I’m thinking she better do better with scheduling if she wants to continue as my client . . .

————–

This evening, I checked on my blog stats and realized that my mystery reader started reading again last night . . .

He read all the way to Post #629 . . . that’s about 35 posts, which is quite a few, I’d say . . .

It would have been late last night, after I went to bed, because the hits were not there when I checked up on my blog right before going to bed. It must have happened around midnight.

My first thought was: If it is George, I’m guessing that means that he got everything done in preparation for his seminar and is all ready for it to start today. However, I realized that I didn’t know, for sure, the dates of his seminar, so I jumped over to his website and checked . . .

The seminar actually occurred on Thursday and Friday, so he would have been done with it last night. That actually fits better with the timing of the reading . . . it would make more sense for him to find time to read after the seminar was finished . . . not the night before it starts . . . not unless he is an anomaly and gets stuff done way ahead of schedule and doesn’t scramble to get things done at the last minute like the majority of people do . . .

I almost had him off my mind . . . for the most part, anyway . . . and seeing this activity brings it all back . . . and I’m fighting with myself to not allow the fantasies to start again . . . but they have . . .

I looked over the posts he read last night, and they include the time Edward and I hugged for the first time . . .

The day that George did the coaching session with me, he hugged me . . . and he did it without asking first. He also touched me on the knee a couple of times during the coaching . . .

The good news is that I was reasonably comfortable with all that, so it wasn’t a big deal. But, it did cross my mind that it very easily could have been triggering for me, and it did cause me to catch my breath a bit.

I wondered if, when he read the post about the hug with Edward, and as he has read posts where I’ve struggled with being okay with physical contact with men, if it has caused him to think about his habit of touching people uninvited.

I wonder if reading my blog posts makes him more aware that not everyone is comfortable with hugging, or what might happen with someone like me when the touch is not invited . . . I wonder if he realized that it would be good for him to be more careful with that.

On a side note, something I’m starting to realize is that the physical contact I have with men, because it is invited and wanted, is bringing me pleasure.

That feels a bit weird to write . . . but it’s what is happening . . .

At first, I was trying to simply be able to tolerate having contact with men . . . there was no pleasure involved, it was simply tolerance . . .

Then, as I’m getting more comfortable with having contact with Edward and James . . . and other men . . . I’m actually enjoying the touch . . . to the point that I can say at times it is pleasurable . . . as in, it feels good to my body.

Okay, that is just way to weird to write . . . but, I think I need to start acknowledging that . . .

Let me be clear . . . I’m not saying I’m getting a sexual charge from it . . . I’m saying that I often feel pleasure in my body when I have physical contact with the men in my inner circle . . . that’s all I’m saying . . .

It’s a whole new concept for me . . . and I like it!

Quotes 827


Responses

  1. That’s quite a change

    • It really is a big change!


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