[Private journal entry written on Tuesday, July 24, 2012]
This past weekend, I spent much of the weekend working with my mom on doing a quality check on the bookkeeping for my business. In the past few weeks, she has entered all my payments and lesson/activity fees for the entire year . . . that’s well over 1,000 entries!
So, we reviewed the entries to make sure everything looked okay, and then I entered some random, non-repeating transactions that would take more time to explain to her how to enter them than to simply enter them myself . . .
As I was leaving, I thanked her and told her how much I appreciate all the work she has done on my behalf. I told her there was no way I would have ever gotten it done . . . she laughed kindly as she agreed . . .
Then, she sobered up a bit and said, “Well, your day is coming . . . there will be a day when you’ll be spending your time taking care of me. I hope it’s not too bad . . . I hope I’m able to keep my wits about me . . . I hope it’s not too bad for you . . . “
I know she was thinking of her best friend who’s mental status went downhill very quickly. My mom had to quit going to visit her friend because her friend would beg my mom to take her with her . . . to help her escape from the nursing home . . . it was so hard on my mom and my mom felt it was more traumatic for her friend than helpful . . . and she is sure her friend has no memory around if she visits or not . . .
So, I know she is hoping her last days won’t be spent in a nursing home, begging people to help her escape . . . or spent drooling on herself, messing herself . . .
I responded, “Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you. I’ll make sure you are well cared for . . . “
I’m really glad she brought up that topic . . . I’ve been wanting to have a conversation about her preferences, and about her finances and property . . .
I couldn’t have that conversation with her at the particular moment when the topic came up this weekend as I was on my way out the door to go to other scheduled commitments . . . but, now that she has opened the door on that topic, I know she is ready to talk about it. It’s a conversation I would like to have with her while her mind is still sharp.
Yesterday, I received a reminder email about the CASA meeting this evening . . . I am really looking forward to the meeting!
Here is how Sabeena described the purpose of the meeting:
Learn how CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) volunteers represent abused and neglected kids in court, spending less than 15 hours a month.
I sent her a quick “I’ll see you tomorrow!” email, thanking her for the reminder . . .
This afternoon, Sara (daughter of the cop and paramedic) had a piano lesson. Her mom, Cindy, brought her.
Over the last few days, I’ve printed out all the yet-to-be-published blog posts that have to do with their family and I put them together in a folder. Then, I put a note in there explaining what they are and that I’m asking Cindy and/or James to look them over to see if they have an issue with me publishing anything in there. I was surprised that there were 30+ pages of content about them . . . wow . . .
I didn’t want to explain what was in the folder in front of Sara, which is why I wrote the note . . . I slipped the folder to Cindy as Sara and I were sitting down at the piano . . .
At the end of the lesson, Cindy asked why I was writing a blog about their family . . . I kind of laughed . . . then I explained that the blog is about my journey and I wrote quite a bit about their family because they have been such a key part in my healing journey . . . but, no, the blog was not about them, per se . . .
So, as I’m preparing to go to the CASA meeting this evening, I’m thinking about the possibility that they are reading those posts right now and learning, for the first time, the positive impact they have had on me . . . especially James. I’ve never really told them . . . I hope they see what I wrote as a positive thing . . . and not too weird, LOL . . .
I noticed something interesting about my blog stats this week . . .
I noticed a trend of someone reading my blog, post by post . . . they started reading it about a week ago and they are reading about 75 posts a day . . . they are almost to post #500 now. The only thing I can tell about them is that they are in the United States.
That is a lot of reading! My posts average about 1,000 words . . . I currently have about 700 posts published right now . . . reading my entire blog would be like reading “War and Peace” all the way through once and then starting over again . . .
I’ve had a fantasy for just about as long as I’ve had this blog going . . . that some guy will read my blog and be so impressed by the work I’ve put into my healing that he would be interested in getting to know me in person . . .
Or, if I meet someone in passing, my blog would somehow come up in conversation and I could pass along the url for my blog . . . then, he would read it and be interested in getting to know me better . . .
Of course, because he got to know my heart and my mind first, he would be very willing to overlook all the weirdness I bring along with me because of my history . . . all my fears and struggles and destructive patterns . . . because he would fall in love with me because of what is inside of me . . . he would fall in love with the real me . . .
I guess that is consistent with what Edward has said the purpose of my blog is . . . it is a way for me to express myself authentically in a way I don’t feel safe doing much in my three-dimensional world . . .
The thought has crossed my mind it could be George . . . I mean, the links I sent to him about reading music were to posts on my blog . . . the secondary motive I had in sending him the links was to get him to check out my blog . . . maybe read some of it . . . maybe decide he would like to get to know me better . . .
I guess it is possible it could be him . . . he is disciplined enough to stick with reading that much of it each day . . . whoever is reading it is doing so in the evenings and on weekends . . . he/she is reading up until about midnight Colorado time . . . sometimes a little later.
He/she isn’t just skimming the posts . . . he/she is reading about six or seven posts per hour . . . that means he/she is actually reading them, not just skimming them.
For anyone to read almost 500 posts means there is something in my blog that is interesting to him/her . . . I wonder what that is?
The other possibility is that it is someone from the staff of Dr. Drew’s TV show . . . I emailed the link to them as a suggested source of information related to the topics they often cover . . . but, it seems someone on his staff would read during the day, during business hours, and not at night . . .
Hmmmm . . .