[Private journal entry written on Wednesday, July 11, 2012 about a coaching session – continued from previous post]
[ Audio file - Part 3 ]
George: Have you noticed yourself getting more skilled in the process of working with some of these challenged kids?
Me: Oh, absolutely . . . because I don’t have any education in this . . . I’m learning incredibly quickly . . .
George: As you continue to learn, as you continue to get better, based on the learning path and the growth you’ve had with these kids, what do you see happening in a year if you just continue down this path?
Me: I know what I want . . . I mean . . .
George: Just based on the amount of growth that you have just continuously working with these kids how much more skilled do you think you will be in six months, in a year?
Me: I think my personal development . . . I’ll be in a better place . . . right now I’m just still in therapy and still working establish taking care of myself like eating well, and not doing the compulsive, destructive behaviors and all this . . . when I get some of that in place, then a little further down the line, I want to create more space for music . . . which that would become a more active part of my life . . .
George: Okay . . . so, let’s . . .
Me: But that might not . . . (laughing) but that didn’t that answer your question . . .
George: (Laughing) No, but that’s okay . . .
Let’s come back to the original question . . . so, what’s the problem?
Me: Um . . .
George: And is there one?
Me: I guess I don’t know that I’m doing everything I could . . . I mean . . . like . . . if there was something I could say or a different way of approaching it . . . or . . .
George: How much of this is about trust . . . trusting yourself?
Me: A lot . . . yeah . . .
George: So, what would be different if you could fully and completely trust yourself?
Me: Then I could relax in knowing that I’m doing all I can do.
George: Ah . . .
So, a good question to begin conditioning your body and your mind with is: What if I could fully and completely trust myself in this process?
Where does that question take you?
Me: Well, then I become playful . . .
George: Okay . . .
(Turning to the group) Which is something she mentioned earlier, right, as a part of who she is . . . (turning back to me)
Me: Yeah . . . it would take the weight off . . .
George: Yeah . . .
So, my homework . . . if I may . . . is to just continuously ask yourself that question without going to the answer . . . just live in the space of that question and you’ll begin to summon the energy that will help you be that.
Me: Say the question again . . .
George: What would it take to completely trust myself?
And, you don’t have to use that exact language . . . you can kind of tweak it based on what feels authentic and open to you, but that’s the direction that we want to go . . . because, if you could trust yourself, you can sense what is possible there, can’t you?
George: Yeah . . .
Me: I mean . . . just working with the special needs kids . . . again, I have no training, but I feel like I have an angel sitting on my shoulder . . . because that’s what I specialize in . . . is special needs kids . . . learning challenges . . . and I just know . . . I just know . . . I need to present it this way . . . and flip it around . .. and it’s like, okay, those are the angels talking to me because I have no way of knowing that . . .
George: This playful part of you that is playful and fun and kind of crazy . . .
Me: (Laughing) Yeah . . .
George: What’s her name?
Me: Um . . . oohhhh . . . I don’t know.
(Timer goes off)
George: Explore that . . .
Me: Okay . . .
George: See . . . when she comes out to play more . . . that playful part of you is going to activate the playful part in these kids and they’re going to come out more . . . does that make sense?
Me: Yeah, yeah, it does . . .
George: Okay . . .
Me: Okay . . .
George: Cool . . . thank you.
So . . . it was a very emotional coaching session for me . . . and, I remained very emotional throughout the other person’s coaching session . . . I kept thinking back over what had been said in my coaching and then a new wave of tears would come up . . .
I finally was able to halt my tears once the meeting was over and we were up and walking around . . . talking to each other . . .
George came up to me at that point and told me that he had had a piano in his home growing up and had loved messing around on it, but that he never got to have lessons. So, as an adult, he bought a keyboard and had taken a few lessons, but the method used by his teacher didn’t work for him because the presentation was too linear. So, instead, he had been trying to teach himself using YouTube videos. In inquired about that . . .
Me: How is that approach working?
George: It’s okay, it’s only as good as the effort I’m putting into it, which is not a lot. I’m just kind of frustrated with it.
Me: Piano lessons don’t have to be linear . . . by the way, my style of teaching, and the style that I learned with is a more freestyle method . . . I could actually work with you in a way that is not linear and that could honor your creative style . . . I’d be interested and willing to do that.
George: The biggest problem is that I don’t read music.
Me: Well, do you have five minutes? If you have five minutes I could teach and teach you how to read music.
George: Five minutes? Really?
Me: Yes, really . . .
George: Well, no I don’t have five minutes right now, but I’d be interested in that because that sounds pretty amazing.
Me: Yeah, it’s actually not that hard. I’ll tell you what . . . I’ll send you some information.
George: Great! Thank you!
So, this afternoon, I sent him links to the “music lessons” on my blog that describe how to read music . . . I sent it via the contact form on his website because I don’t have his direct email address . . . I hope the links don’t cause the message to get stuck somewhere . . .
As much as I don’t want to have hope around the romantic stuff, I have this little fantasy playing in my head . . . he’s going to follow those links to my blog and read the music stuff, then poke around in the rest of my blog and find it interesting . . . then he’ll read my entire blog starting with the very first post . . . and he’ll fall in love with me because of what he reads . . . he’ll take piano lessons from me . . . the piano lessons turn into dates . . . we end up living happily ever after . . .
Yeah . . . I’m back to that same old tired fantasy . . . but, I really want the hope to someday become reality . . . I can’t stop hoping . . .
I guess it is because he was so emotionally available to me . . . and gentle and kind . . . a few times during the coaching, he leaned forward and gently put his hand on my knee . . . the first time I could feel myself freeze up and dissociate a bit, mostly because it caught me by surprise . . . but then, after that, it felt comforting . . .
I felt safe enough with him that I could show up authentically . . . and that felt really good . . .
And I want to take that home with me and enjoy it everyday . . . for ever and ever . . .
So, there you go . . .