[Private journal entry written on Monday, February 20, 2012]
This morning, between lessons, I had a few moments of calm during which I checked my email. To my surprise, there was an email from Luke that had arrived just a few minutes before. It was written in response to the email I sent him four days ago. His email was brief but warm:
Thanks so much, it was great to meet you as well. Let me know what your mom thinks of the book.
I had to just sit there and stare at it for a few moments . . . he really did write back . . . and, I think his message casually invites a subsequent response from me . . . right?
If I had come across to him as desperate or disgusting or a stalker, I don’t think he would have written back and I don’t think he would have invited future communication . . . right? I guess he believes I’m pretty normal . . .
I sat and studied his email some more . . . was I reading too much into it? I don’t think so . . . it’s not like I think he’s inviting me to start a romantic relationship with him . . . rather, I see it as an invitation to give him feedback on his book . . . that’s all . . . but still, it is more than I was expecting.
Once the book-signing was over, I assumed that would be the end of things . . . I figured I would never see him again or talk to him again or communicate with him in any way . . . I had put that possibility behind me . . . I had started to “let it go”. I assumed he would not respond to my last email – he had no reason to respond.
Now, I have this email sitting here in front of me that gives me the tiniest bit of hope that there is still a small chance I might have an opportunity to connect with him on some level.
I’m not sure why I want that with him . . . I mean, I think he is attractive and smart and [hopefully] enlightened and kind and compassionate . . . and not married and not gay . . . and I think it would be fun to date him (I’m betting I wouldn’t turn him down if he asked me out on a date!) . . . but, it feels to me there is something deeper at play here. I think this is not so much about him; but rather, it seems to be something about the hope he inspires in me . . . the hope that things inside of me could shift dramatically . . . that I could shift what I believe about myself.
I have not yet identified what about him inspires that in me.
Anyway . . . I was sitting there at my desk, lost in thought . . . then, all the sudden, the wild thought hit me that maybe my wishful thinking had come true . . . maybe, in the course of responding to my email, he had followed the link to my business website, then maybe he went to my “About Marie” page and found the link to my blog containing my compositions . . . and maybe he listened to some of my compositions . . .
Nah . . . no way . . .
But, I had to look.
I opened up the stats page for my business website . . . I don’t get much traffic on it, so it is pretty easy to see what is happening with traffic . . .
Sure enough, within the present hour, someone had come to the home page of my website via an email . . . I haven’t sent that link to anyone via email for months . . . it had to be him . . . it just had to be . . .
I could see that whoever had come into the home page via email had then clicked on the “About Marie” page . . . and from that page, he had clicked on the link that led to my composition blog . . . it was the only traffic on my site that day and it had all occurred within the current hour.
No frick’n way.
I opened up the stats page for my composition blog . . . sure enough . . . within the hour, someone had listened to two of my pieces . . . the two pieces that are the most meaningful to me . . . the two pieces that show up at the very bottom of my compositions page . . . that means he had to have scrolled through the entire compositions page, all the way to the bottom . . .
I was stunned. I almost couldn’t breath. He had to have written the email shortly after he had checked out my websites.
All my wild fantasies . . . they never come true . . . I’ve come to believe that it’s just my craziness running wild . . . that none of my fantasies will ever come true . . . that that’s just the way life is for me . . . that those are the cards I’ve been dealt . . .
And now, I just got handed proof that what I believe about myself and my life is not always accurate.
I finally caught my breath . . . then, I kicked into “action” mode . . . I wasn’t going to let this opportunity slip away! I was going to do everything [within reason and normalcy] to keep the exchange alive . . .
I immediately shot back this email:
Hi, Luke -
My mom loves the book! Within the first few pages, she was gasping . . . then she said, “And there are still so many pages to go! Oh, my!!”
As we went through it, she made comments about what technique she could use to get the various affects (red sky, wispy clouds, bright colors on a flower, etc.), so she was already thinking about painting elements of your photos.
We watched the video while eating lunch . . . a dinner theater of sorts, LOL! It was absolutely awesome. It really had a spiritual impact on me.
Thanks, again, for sharing this gift with the world!
[business phone number]
[business website address]
A minute after I hit “send”, I realized that I had not given him a reason to keep the conversation going . . . he had invited me to give him feedback on the book, but I had forgotten to give him a reason to contact me again.
It took me a couple of hours to figure out a way to give him a reason to respond . . . a way that hopefully doesn’t seem desperate. I came up with a legitimate reason to invite a response . . . it was something I really wanted . . .
I sent the following email to him mid-afternoon:
Oh . . . Luke . . . I forgot to ask . . .
Do you happen to have the title and artist info for the music score you included with the book? I did make a brief attempt at matching the music up with the music listed in the “meditation” feature on the DVD, but the quantity of songs were not the same . . . and the music I heard in the main feature of the DVD didn’t sound much like what I heard on the CD . . . I figured it might be easier to just ask you . . .
By the way, I found myself wondering how in the world you went about selecting the music . . . ?? There is so much awesome music from all those different cultures!
Later in the day, I received an email from my mom that, in part, said:
I am really enjoying the beautiful book. His prose is so descriptive, sprinkled with humor and satire. Each photo or country seems to be his “favorite”. It will take awhile to read it all–it goes slowly.
I think it would be nice to pass along that comment to Luke . . . but, there’s no way I’m going to send yet ANOTHER email to him now . . . I’ll just hang onto it until he contacts me again (if he ever does), then I’ll slip it into the conversation . . . yeah, that’s the “normal” thing to do, LOL.