[Private journal entry written on Saturday, February 4, 2012]
Today, my student James (the cop) had a lesson. When I sent him my 13-page life story awhile back, I told him in the email that I wasn’t expecting him to talk to me about it – I told him he was welcome to bring it up, but that I wouldn’t bring it up because I didn’t want him to feel obligated to talk to me about all my drama.
Today, I brought up the subject of my blog . . . I mentioned that I thought it was cool that a doctorate candidate is including my blog in her dissertation research. I was sort of hoping my bringing up the blog might be a bridge to some feedback from James on my story. But, that didn’t happen.
I was careful to keep what I said focused on trauma blogging in general, and about literary styles that show up in trauma blogging (which is the focus of the researcher’s study). I didn’t say anything about the contents of my blog. He may have refrained from asking for more information on the details of my story because he doesn’t want to pry . . . or, he may not want to talk about it with me. Either way, the conversation was pretty benign.
I am glad for the meaningful conversation James and I share. It would be nice if he would talk to me about my story. But I don’t want to push the boundaries.
And, on another front, I sent an addendum email to Edward today:
Oh . . . and, the reason I felt anger towards you in the session is because I was feeling pressure to be what I’m “supposed” to be and because I feel totally incapable of ever being that. I hate that I’ll never be able to measure up – so, I’m really angry at myself for not being tough enough, focused enough, etc. to “get there”. That is what is also behind much of my anger I felt towards my dad when he was alive – anger towards him for pushing me to be something I never can be and anger towards myself for never being enough to make it happen. I guess that is my trigger.
I tell myself that I really don’t want to be what my dad wanted me to be – and that is partially true. However, I want some of the same things for myself (health, peace, happiness) that he wanted for me . . . I feel that I’ll never “get there” either . . . and I can’t imagine someone wanting to be my life partner – who wants a partner who is unhealthy and depressed with no hope of getting better?
The Hero’s Journey might not be very pretty, but isn’t there supposed to be a prettier outcome at some point? What if I never get to the pretty part?
Wow . . . my head is spinning – it’s the same old arguments, same internal battles.
Edward responded this afternoon:
Thanks for the update.
I did receive them both, and I’ll make some time to read through these prior to our next meeting.
I look forward to seeing you again soon.
And, finally, I am getting quite angry with myself for yet another shortcoming . . .
I know that what I wrote about Luke in my first email to Edward was pretty emotionally detached . . . but, in reality, I’ve developed a huge crush on Luke. As soon as I checked out his web site, I got all these wild ideas that he would be a really cool person to date . . . he could be my knight in shining armor . . . la la la . . .
What the hell? Just because I like what he stands for and just because he isn’t wearing a wedding ring in his photos on the web site, I’m now “falling in love” with this guy I really know nothing about. What the hell? Am I that desperate for male attention?
I’m so hung up on him that I’m not sleeping well . . . I’m experiencing major giddiness that transforms into major anxiety around not feeling “good enough” . . . and hopeless . . . and then I binge eat to try to numb the wild emotions. . . what the hell? Why can’t I control my feelings better than this? I’m behaving like a silly school girl!!
I try to control my feelings . . . I try to remind myself that having a crush on someone only brings disappointment and pain . . . I try to stop my feelings . . . but, I can’t control them. I’m consumed by this fantasy that he is going to fall in love with me and take away all my loneliness . . . that, because of his background, he will understand me and be gentle and kind to me . . . that he will see my value, even in my broken state . . .
WHAT THE HELL??????