[Private journal entry written on Sunday, July 3, 2011]
For the past 24 hours, ever since I spent time at my cousin’s house for the wedding, I’ve found myself feeling drawn back to their house. This weekend, I experienced such warm, comforting energy in their home – with them. I keep imagining walking into their home and curling up on the couch near them – basking in their peaceful and accepting energy.
I suppose it really has more to do with my cousin, Caleb. Of course I would enjoy the experience of being emotionally embraced by his wife, Nell – I really like both of them. But, because of my history, I really crave being embraced by a man.
Caleb has a very gentle spirit. He is easy-going and soft-spoken . . . he really doesn’t say much . . . his hauntingly bright blue eyes reflect a very wise and old soul.
I really don’t know either of them very well . . . I’ve had a few superficial conversations with them over the years at a handful of family reunions, but I really don’t know them at all. They are maybe 15 years older than me, so they were off making their own way in the world while I was still a very little kid. We hardly ever were at my grandmother’s house at the same time.
This weekend, I felt so drawn to Caleb. I wanted to climb into his lap and curl up in the safety of his arms. That’s a strange feeling to have, especially since I really don’t know him.
At first, I told myself to just “get over it” . . . just push down those feelings of (infatuation?) and move on. I mean, they live three hours from me . . . it’s not like I can run down there all the time and develop a “big brother/sister” relationship with them . . . even though I would love to have a “big brother” relationship in my life to replace the one I’m never going to have with my real brother . . .
But then, I thought . . . why not? Maybe I can go down there once or twice and then we could continue the relationship via phone or email . . . maybe that is a possibility . . . it would be a “safe” relationship . . . no one would label me “a slut” for wanting a brotherly relationship with a male family member . . . I wouldn’t have to worry about a jealous wife . . . and I know I wouldn’t have to worry about him behaving inappropriately . . . I would be very safe with him . . .
But, would they be interested? Would they be willing to invest the time and energy in building a relationship with me? They come from a big family, so they already have lots of siblings . . . and they have four adult children . . . would they have time for me, also?
However, every time they have ever seen me, they have extended an enthusiastic invitation to come visit . . . they act like they really want me to visit them . . . maybe this could be another healthy relationship with a supportive male in my life . . . with the benefit of also having a relationship with his really cool wife . . . it would be good for me to observe them as a couple, to see what works so well for the two of them in their marriage . . .
After pondering all of this, I decided that the “pull” on my spirit to return to them is so strong that I’m going to act upon it. I don’t know how it will turn out, but I’m going to act upon it. Reaching out to them, maybe sharing parts of my story with them . . . well, that would be a risky move. But, I feel so strongly it is something I need to do to enhance my healing.
So, this evening, I sent a message to them via Facebook . . .
Hi, Caleb and Nell!
We’ll see if this gets through to you . . . I’m still trying to figure out facebook, LOL!
It was so good to see you and all the other family this weekend! What a great wedding! I’m sure the kids will do well in establishing their new home together!
I’m having a brainstorm . . . and I wanted to see what you might think about it . . .
I’ve been on a healing journey over the last few years which has included some pretty intense work with a psychotherapist. One area that still needs a bunch of healing and rebuilding concerns romantic relationships – I’ve not yet learned how to negotiate romantic relationships in a healthy way.
After spending time at your house, I got to thinking it would be helpful to me to spend some time with the two of you, picking your brains about that . . . I have always admired your relationship and I think I would feel “safe” talking to you. I’m interested in learning what works for you and what hasn’t.
Is there a 24-36 hour window of time between now and when the snow starts flying that I could come and hang out with you? It might be best if it could be a time when your kids won’t be around as much (if that is possible). In the event our conversation turns to my own story, I’m not sure I’d be comfortable having your kids hear certain details.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing back from you . . . thank you!
And, I kicked off an email to Edward this evening, as well:
Hi, Edward –
Happy July 3rd!
Here’s a quick status report in preparation for Friday’s session . . .
It’s been a very emotional time for me . . . since our last session, I’ve been very sad . . . it feels like I’m grieving something although I haven’t yet been able to identify what . . . crying a lot, sleeping a lot, binge eating a lot, not able to stay out from under the covers long enough to get to the gym . . . but, it feels like I’m moving through whatever this is, so I feel hopeful there is an end to it and lighter times ahead.
And, my mom and I went to a family wedding (extended family) in southern Colorado this weekend — that was a very emotional trip on many fronts — and, in the wake of the trip, I’ve taken a bold healing step that I think will surprise you (in a good way, I hope) . . . I surprised myself with my own courage . . . and, no, the surprising step did not involve picking up a boyfriend at the wedding, LOL!
So . . . that’s what’s up! I’ll see you soon!
As usual, he quickly responded:
Thank you for the update.
I look forward to hearing about your bold healing step, and admire your ability in getting through this emotionally difficult time with such courage.
I look forward to seeing you soon.