(634) A melting iceberg – Part 2 of 5

Post #634
[Private journal entry written on Monday, June 6, 2011 about a conversation between my therapist and me – continued from previous post]

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Edward: Do you feel comfortable telling me what happens with the exercising?

Me: I’ve been working out a little bit at the gym – just a little bit on the treadmill. I don’t push very hard, I just focus on getting to the gym and doing something – anything. I’m trying to just get used to the idea of going to the gym.

Photo by Martin Chen

The workout I do doesn’t last very long and I don’t push hard enough to break into a sweat. I just walk at a decent pace. I can do that with little psychological discomfort – there is nothing to dread.

I’m finding it pretty easy to do that – it’s not that big of a deal. But then, I get home and I get triggered . . . and I binge . . . and climb under the covers.

Edward: What about the exercise is triggering for you?

Me: I think it is because I start feeling connected with my body . . . I start moving into my body – taking control and ownership of it – and I start feeling good about my body . . . and I can’t handle that.

The more frequently I exercise, the more often I binge. Now, I’m binging two or three times more often than I was before I started going to the gym. Instead of eating a pint of ice cream a couple times a week, I’m eating one or two pints every day. Most of my caloric intake is coming from the ice cream. My body aches from malnutrition.

I find myself feeling like I’m never going to get this figured out . . . I’m never going to be healthy, I’m never going to feel good, I’m never going to have a healthy body.

Edward: And what happens if you don’t have a healthy body?

Me: I won’t feel good enough to do the things I really want to do – like hiking – and wearing clothes that don’t drape over my body like a tent . . .

I hate being so frumpy . . .

Edward: And what else . . . ??

Me: (After a pause and deep sigh) Not having a healthy body keeps me from being attractive enough to date.

Edward: Ouch . . . ouch . . .

How does not having a healthy body keep you from being attractive enough to date?

Me: No man wants to be with someone as fat as I am. I don’t think I have to be downright skinny to be attractive enough to have someone want to be with me, but I need to at least lose a lot of weight.

Edward: Ouch . . .

(After a respectful pause) I’m hearing what you say . . . and it sounds to me that you could be using your weight and your lack of self-care as a way to avoid having to deal with relationships. Does that sound like a possibility to you?

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When he said that, I felt a rush of anger rise up into my face. I wanted to scream at him to shut up. I’m so sick of people telling me that I’m trying to avoid relationships. I desperately want to be in relationships . . . I mean, I’m good at relationships with women and already have relationships with women.

I really want to be in relationships with men in which I’m respected and loved and honored . . . I really want to be in a solid romantic relationship with a good man.

I remember how Mark kept saying the same thing to me. I know many people use their weight as a way to push people away. But, just because lots of other people do that doesn’t mean that I do that. It’s not the case with me. I’m fat because I can’t keep myself from binging on ice cream and I can’t force myself to exercise on a regular basis.

I felt the rage move through the rest of my body . . . I had a very strong urge to throw my coffee mug at Edward. Instead, I went into my “outwardly compliant” stance and lowered my head and looked at my coffee mug. I declined to say a word – mainly because I couldn’t think of anything to say. Instead, I repeatedly flicked the rim of my mug with my fingernail.

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Edward: Where did you go, Marie? Where are you right now?

Me: I’m just frustrated . . . really frustrated . . .

Edward: About what?

Me: I want to be in relationships . . . but, I’ve given up on them! I have no hope that will be part of my life . . .

That just isn’t an option for me.

Edward: You have no hope that what kind of relationships won’t be part of your life . . . ??

Me: I’m talking about romantic/intimate relationships.

Edward: Oh, I see.

What has happened in your life that has led you to that conclusion?

Me: Well . . . I’m 43 years old and I’ve never had a successful relationship. It’s not that I haven’t dated – I’ve dated a lot. But, none of that dating has led to a successful relationship. If I haven’t figured out how to “do it” by now, I’m doubt I ever will.

Edward: (After thoughtfully studying me for a minute) I’m willing to bet that you’ve never shown up as the “authentic you” in those relationships. I’m willing to bet that you have always been “performing” on your dates . . .

I’m willing to bet that you have spent those dates being the person you believed your date wanted you to be.

Me: Yes, that is true.

Edward: What about platonic relationships? Do you have hope for platonic relationships with quality men?

Me: I have hope for those . . . I actually have those in my life already. It’s the romantic relationships I have no hope for – I don’t allow myself to hope, I just keep my focus elsewhere – I keep my focus on who I am and how I show up by myself, as a solo person.

[Continued in the next post . . . ]