Post #357
Solicitation for Reader Input
Something with which I have continuously struggled in this healing process is holding people responsible for their behavior. The most noteworthy example of this is my parents. I believe they did the best they knew to do and they were not capable of doing better.
However, this belief has been challenged lately. I am now considering the possibility that they could have done better than to follow what they were taught. I am now considering the possibility that they could have searched for, found, and implemented a better way.
And, I wonder if this carries over to Mark. Is he really doing the best he knows to do?
Under what circumstances should a person not be held responsible for not doing better? Maybe people don’t always have the resources for learning a better way. Maybe their pain and fear are too great and they are unable to learn a better way.
Or, is that a cop-out? Should people be expected to find a better way before they have children? Should a therapist be a long way along in his or her own healing before hanging a shingle for a therapy practice? Is a therapist capable of knowing how far along he is and how far he yet has to go? Are any of us?
What motivates people to search for answers – to search for relief from pain – to search for a better way of raising kids or assisting therapy clients? Is it always pain?
What if the pain is not bad enough to motivate change? What if a person stays so numb that the pain can’t be motivating enough? What if that person doesn’t know (or doesn’t have hope) that there is a better way to live?
I really want to hear your thoughts!! Please send me your comments!
Whew, this is a big one. :-)
Here’s what I think. If someone honest to God doesn’t know any better, then that person probably has less responsibility than someone who has been shown the error of their ways and continues down the same path without questioning.
For most people, pain is the greatest — and only — motivator. For those of us who are more evolved, we seek ways to avoid projected future pain that will come from disappointing or hurting others … we seek to stop pain before it happens. Some people are, as you say, too numb to feel pain. And some are incapable of empathizing with other people’s pain (other people’s pain often being a motivator for those of us who are comparatively awake).
But more to the point, perhaps … what would it mean to you, to hold Mark, for example, responsible?
Would it mean you give yourself permission to walk away from the situation?
Would it mean you give yourself permission to validate yourself even if he doesn’t participate in the process?
Would it mean confronting him?
Would it mean taking substantive action against him?
Ideally, yes, a therapist should have undergone extensive therapy prior to trying to help others. Many have not. Many therapists are not qualified to do deep and real work, though they may have enough general knowledge to give some decent basic self-care or life skills advice. Therapists should also continually be in a peer review and mentoring/supervision relationship to keep themselves honest, and their inevitable countertransference issues out on the table. That’s a responsibility they have toward their clients.
However, I think it’s a finer line when we are speaking of actual ignorance. Can a therapist recognize a situation he or she isn’t trained to recognize? Can they deal with something they haven’t been educated in? Should they be expected to? Should they be expected to recognize that there’s something going on that they don’t understand, and suggest a consult or referral rather than blaming the client for a failure of the relationship?
I think one of the hardest things for anyone to do is to recognize their own ignorance and fallibilty, especially in a helping profession. We should all be able to do this, but … perhaps the final responsibility falls to the victim, to speak up and walk away, regardless of what the relationship is. It seems unfair, and yet … in the final analysis, responsibility rests with the party who has the greater knowledge. And in some cases, that may be the person not in authority … the child, or the client, or the patient, or the employee. It’s not fair, but it’s true in many cases.
By: davidrochester on July 15, 2010
at 9:52 pm
I agree with David: knowledge brings responsibility.
My approach to the dilemma is to deal with intentions (perilous I know). If the person is well intentioned then they will be willing to learn and won’t try to bullshit the client to cover their mistakes (which is what I think does the real damage).
I think it is best if therapists do their own healing. However no two people are the same and so in some ways it doesn’t matter.
If therapists do want to deal with deeper stuff (and some don’t and stick to handholding 101, which is fine for them and does some good for others) then I think they should know their own vulnerabilities and issues. I think they need to be aware of the boundaries (though they may not use this metaphor) of what they bring and what the other brings and be willing to sort this out.
I do think clients and therapists are entitled to disagree.
I think it would help if part of therapists training was to know that they are always in an unknown situation. Unfortunately ‘proper training’ of ‘skills’ and ‘how to deal with issues’ leads in exactly the oppositie direction. And client’s of course want this – who’d go to a therapist who said they didn’t know what to do? Am I saying that most training of therapists encourages neurosis? Yes I am. (I could wax eloquent on this so I’ll shut up now.)
Motivation is an interesting one. When someone walks into a therapist’s office (and usually therapists aren’t willing to venture out of their own space) their are two motivations. One wanting change and one wanting to stay the same. Occasionally it’s a matter of ignorance about how to do stuff, but this is less common in my experience. Usually we want the conflicting motivations resolved easily (who wants more pain?) rather than making big changes. (Put cynically: we go to therapy to become better neurotics). If we can listen to both motivations we usually find that their intention was healthy (although the resulting behaviour may be horrific). It is then possible to move on to a new way of living that embraces more parts of us and the motivations are no longer fighting each other.
People don’t usually walk into a therapist’s office without some kind of hope. The therapist may need to give information (data, stories, whatever) to give a more solid grounding to this hope. I think it will usually involve helping the person see how their actions can influence their experience.
Some people see no hope and don’t seek out therapy. Some people do kill themselves – or take up various ways to drug themselves (with drugs, activities, relationships, whatever).
The Jungians have a saying I’m told: People come seeking an answer and leave when they find transformation. (Somewhat idealistic I think.)
I think at first it is usually pain that is the motivator (or perhaps frustration or anger). If this is lessened and a breakthrough made this can lead to other motivations.
I fear this comment is now longer than your post. Hope it was the kind of thing you wanted.
By: Evan on July 16, 2010
at 3:24 am
Hey, David & Evan –
You both gave me so much to think about . . . I’d like to respond to both of you in one comment . . .
Some concepts that you shared that seem key to me are:
A therapist (or the parent in an adult child-parent relationship) may not always be the one with the greater awareness/maturity/knowledge.
Therapist training (and parent training provided by the parent’s ancestors) often teaches how to demonstrate confidence and skill even when those qualities are not present. (I wonder if that training also makes it “not okay” when the therapist/parent questions the apparent absence of those qualities in himself and considers taking steps to change.)
Pain is often the initial motivator when one starts a process to shift how he or she shows up in the world, but that the healing journey can allow a development of sensitivity to other, more mature motivators.
There are at least four elements of successful change: an awareness of the need to change, the resources to learn how to change, a motivation to change and hope that a change is possible.
—————
After reading what you wrote, it seems to me that, when I associate with someone who appears to not be showing up in the world in the best way he could, I really don’t have a way to know if that person is/was aware of his need to do better or if he is/was aware but didn’t have the resources to do so – and, it really is not my concern.
My concern really should be on whether or not I’m aware of what I’m up to . . . if I’m utilizing the resources available to me . . . if I’m doing the best I know to do . . .
In relation to other people, it seems my responsibility is to carefully choose with whom I associate – that it is in my best interest to associate with awake and generous and loving people. And, in the cases where I have less choice in selecting my associates, it is my responsibility to set boundaries to protect myself as much as possible.
But that brings up another question for me . . . under what conditions is it reasonable/responsible for me to speak to another when I notice he or she is not behaving in a mature way? Is it even my place (am I qualified?) to make that kind of judgment? Is it my concern only if the other’s behavior crosses a boundary of mine – or the boundary of another who cannot stand up for himself? Or, should I only say something if the other has asked for that kind of support from me?
Speaking of pointing out the errors of another . . . in that case, does the person receiving the complaint have a greater responsibility to examine his behavior once someone highlights a potential behavioral issue? Doesn’t that decrease the person’s excuse of unawareness? Or, would the same lack of awareness that keeps a person from honestly evaluating himself also keep him from honestly assessing the validity of a complaint from another?
—————
So . . . these upcoming posts are about my efforts to follow David’s suggestions (holding Mark responsible, deciding to stay or leave, validating myself in the absence of his validation, confronting him, etc.) I’d be very interested in hearing your feedback about the issues discussed in this “reader input” post within the context of what happens next with Mark. I felt alone as I went through this with Mark . . . I’d love to hear your opinions about what happened, especially about my part in it.
Thank you so much for providing such great input!
- Marie
By: Marie on July 16, 2010
at 1:37 pm
I think pain is a great motivator for change, but I also think the knowledge that things can be better is a great motivator too. I know this because it’s been part of my motivation. For years I watched others living a better life, wondering if perhaps I could too. Perhaps this is what David calls being more “evolved” or perhaps it’s code for pain of some type, but it is not the same pain that drove me to seek solace in therapy in the first place.
By: Kerro on July 17, 2010
at 7:09 am
Hey, Kerro -
I think that says a lot about how far you have come in your journey.
I know, from reading your blog, that you are awake and aware and dedicated to living a quality life — it is obvious from how hard you are fighting to build that for yourself.
You are an inspiration!
- Marie
By: Marie on July 17, 2010
at 9:18 am
I was a therapist for a few years and here’s what I was taught, and what was widely held as ethical among my colleagues, who were social workers, psychologists and registered art therapists.
1) Therapists should be willing to do their own work as it comes up and should at all costs keep it out of their sessions with clients.
2) Therapists should hire a supervising therapist who they go to periodically to get feedback on their clients, figure out counter-transference (when the client’s issues push their own buttons) and do their own work if it comes up in connection to clients so that they can continue to do #1.
3) Therapists are responsible to refer a client to someone else if they realize they can’t keep their own issues out of the sessions with that client. For example, if I as a therapist personally have issues with getting triggered by a client who reminds me of a family member and I can’t keep my own issues out of the sessions, then I need to stop seeing that client, to avoid harming them.
Above all it is unethical for a therapist to work out their own issues in session with a client. This is because it is an abuse of the relationship, by using it to meet the therapists needs, in the way an abusive parent uses a child to meet theirs. The client ends up in a child:parent relationship with the therapist, or if not that, a power imbalance, and that relationship is for meeting the healing needs of the client within the time of the session and nothing else.
Some therapists communicate with clients via phone or email outside of session to arrange or change appointments, do intake screening, or even do some work in a crisis, but outside that, most don’t get into anything outside of session, in order to keep good boundaries around the therapeutic relationship so they can keep it a separate healing space.
SDW
By: sworddancewarrior on July 20, 2010
at 12:48 pm
Hi, SDW -
So . . do I hear you saying that you think a therapist should be able to recognize when his issues are invading a client’s therapy? Is there any case when this would not be the case?
- Marie
By: Marie on July 20, 2010
at 2:34 pm