Lasting effects – Part 5 of 9

Post #149
[Book study - June 15-17, 2009]

The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
(Third Edition, 1994)
by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

Part One: Taking Stock
Effects: Recognizing the Damage

[Table of Contents]

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Green text: Quotes/Summaries from the book
Gray text: My words

This transformative work (the entire series of blog posts relating to this book) constitutes a ‘fair use’ of any copyrighted material as provided for in Section 107 of the US Copyright law.

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Writing Exercise: The Effects

Write about the ways you’re still affected by the abuse. What are you still carrying in terms of your feelings of self-worth, your work, your relationships, your sexuality? How is your life still pained, still limited?

(My answer is continued from the previous post . . . .)

Sexuality

I used to think that I really liked sex. Then, I discovered that I actually liked the attention I received from men through sex. I discovered that I have used sex as a way to attract a potential boyfriend – and that I have used sex as a way to keep the affections of a man I was already dating – but that I have never had sex for the sake of pleasure or to honor pre-existing intimacy or because I am truly thrilled by the touch of my beloved partner.

Thailand by Martin Chen

Now that I’m no longer willing to have sex as a way to get a man’s attention, I am not interested in sex – I don’t like sex because it represents desperation, rejection, degradation, submission to me . . . not pleasure.

Now, for me, my sexuality has been expressed though masturbation rather than intercourse. That would be all well and good except that, in childhood, arousal was associated with rape and pain for me – I’m assuming through sexual abuse at the hands of the man I call “X”. So, when I masturbate, I use violent rape fantasies, which leaves me feeling dirty and disgusting.

I am so rough in my masturbating that I sometimes injure my genitalia – I often have to feel pain in order to get off. Some of my labial veins are permanently damaged.

Until recently, I compulsively masturbated – using the rape fantasies and violent porn. I started masturbating to violent images when I was very little — before kindergarten, before I even knew what sex was. When I did learn about sex, I then had a name for the violence I carried in my brain. And I masturbated to it all the more.

After some difficult therapeutic work, I am now 98% free of the compulsion to use violent porn to get aroused. However, I have not yet created a new way to relate to, and express, my sexuality.

I would like to create an association between gentle, loving touch and arousal so I can masturbate to those images. I am thinking that will transition into an ability to enjoy the act of tender, gentle love making with a real person.

I’m having trouble getting that first step to happen – I’ll keep trying.

Until that new association is created, I have simply shut down my sexuality because I don’t know what else to do with it. I don’t have a healthy outlet for it right now. My existence is pretty much asexual right now. I have no interest in being attractive; I have no interest in noticing the attractiveness of other people.

Furthermore, I am confused about my gender identity – I don’t feel feminine, I feel a bit more masculine, but I mostly feel like an asexual blob. In fact, I mostly feel like a floating head with no body. When I look in the mirror to check my appearance before heading out into public, I only look at my hair – I don’t even notice that I have a face or a body.

I am confused about my sexual orientation. I don’t know if I will be attracted to men or women (or both) when I am in a healthy metal state – I have dated both genders in the past and found I was ambivalent about the gender of my sexual partners. At this point in time, I really don’t care because I don’t want to deal with dating or sex.

Compulsive behaviors

In the past, I have been compulsively promiscuous. I think I have slept with about 100-150 people (maybe more?) in my life – most of that was unprotected sex – most of that was while I was drunk or at least buzzed – and a good number of those people were married men.

Sometimes I would see a man in passing and I would struggle to remember if I had slept with him. There were so many – so many faces, so many penises – not as many names. Who needed names?

With one of my many sexual partners, I let one of his female friends take [classy] nude pictures of me for an artistic photography class. Then, since I was naked anyway, I made a homemade porn video with the guy.

And, I had an abortion when I was 23 – I’m not sure who the father was.

And, I got chlamydia once (which is very treatable) and tests have indicated that I have had various HPV infections at different times. I have had pap smears that indicated pre-cancerous cervical cells.

In 2002, my pap smear showed some pretty scary indicators. This kicked off a huge battle with my gynecologist. She wanted to cut and burn. I said no because I didn’t want to do any more damage to my body – I wanted to follow my intuition and allow my body to heal itself. She could not support my decision, so we parted ways.

By the grace of God, the latest pap smears and HPV tests have come back clean. And, by the grace of God, those are the only physical consequences of my promiscuity I have suffered – that I know of so far.

When the earlier tests came back with worrisome indicators, I felt dirty – used up, unclean. Of course I had to suffer the consequences of my destructive behavior – what else would I expect to happen? It’s what I deserved. Then, when these latest tests came back “clean”, it was as if I had been given a pardon – I actually felt clean. Since that time, I have been very protective of my “clean” status.

However, if and when I start dating again, how do I truthfully present this history to a potential sexual partner? Do I lie through omission? Do I tell the truth? How can it be true intimacy if he doesn’t know the truth?

Mark (therapist #1) told me it might be better to not tell my future partners EVERYTHING . . . I’m guessing this is one of those things he thinks I shouldn’t tell . . .?

I don’t buy it. I will no longer be the holder of shameful secrets. Shame on Mark for advising me to stay silent about any part of my history.

On the other hand, what man would ever want to put his mouth “down there” or his penis “in there” where there have been so many other penises before him? I may technically be “clean”, but I’ve been all used up. The polish and shine and innocence and purity are all long gone.

I am looking at those words: “but I’ve been all used up.” Wow. I never before realized I felt that way. Not until just now, when I saw the words flow out of my fingertips onto my computer screen. I’m sitting here stunned. Shocked.

So . . . there, Dr. Barb . . . I finally gave words and voice to some of the deepest poison that has been brewing in my gut for years. This is the stuff I so desperately needed to share with you. Shame on YOU for not letting me talk. Shame on you. And, once again, fuck you.

[Continued in the next post . . .]